Entrants for the Tour duh Flubug, otherwise known as The Great Race, assembled at the World’s Tallest Graphite Pencil today in anticipation of Mayor Ornery’s shotgun blast which starts of the county-wide rally that’s become Flubug’s Olympics.
Just what is the Tour duh Flubug?
Well for starters, It’s a big deal around here. The annual summer blow-out combines a road rally, plane chase, marathon, soapbox derby and walk-a-thon with an epic trial of will, persistence and engineering. The winner has just four days to complete the entire 113-mile loop through the most treacherous regions of Down County. And that’s not easy.
Last year the race claimed sixteen lives. This year the thrills and spills are sure to be layered with sabotage, nail gun attacks, fist fights, blow gun assaults and squalid driving conditions through the Miasma Mountains. Participants are also near certain to encounter inebriated drivers unaware of the race or playing “chicken” in drunken rivalries.
Who may enter?
Well, the rules are a little stricter this year after Turgid County interlopers entered the race as Nailyard residents last year. Entrants must now prove their residency by providing six forms of photo ID including a birth certificate, tissue sample, written proof that they voted for Ramsey and a compelling genealogical chart stretching back seventy-five years. They must also be a minimum of twelve years. Sorry, folks. No toddlers this year.
How is the race organized… or is it?
The race is divided into three basic categories:
The race is run in four legs, one per day. The first day is mainly ceremonial and serves as a parade. Entrants drive up Main Street at 5mph to the delight of the sidewalk crowds until they reach the Flubug Turnaround. At the Turnaround they slow to a motorcade crawl in honor of Socrates “Scotch” Johnson and the droves who’ve died in previous races. After the Turnaround entrants focus mainly on getting outside the city limits (where speed limits fluctuate from 5mph to 40mph)
But once they hit Bradshaw’s Pike the excitement begins.
And it certainly did today. Engines roared. Exhaust filled the air. Planes lifted unsteadily from pot-holed streets. And handmade go-carts
raced down the long stretch to Hormel. From Hormel it’ll be on to Stateline where drivers will be tempted by casinos, strip clubs
and race tracks
. Those who succumb will be out of the running. But those who don’t will continue on to Day Two and some very tricky country. Nailyard is said to be “gearing up” for the participants by loading extra nails in their muskets
. Lusher, where nearly 80% of the town’s drivers are said to be drunk on any given day
, is always a test. Disfigure
, home to many Cirque de Soilei retirees
, has some of the most circuitous roads in the county. Then it’s up through the Vermouth Valley, home to the famous Bat Museum, through the blasting zones of Poison Wells, the roadside scammers of Shilltown, the odd folk
and Watersbad Canyon, then over the mountains and along the Miasma.
The Miasma is perhaps the most dangerous leg of the journey. The bridge has been out since 1973 and the rapids are as ferocious as they were when they claimed the lives of the early Tin-Wa-Wa (the Indians pushed into the rapids by the early settlers). To cross the Miasma Rapids, the winner will have to construct a bridge of some sort. But the good news is, once you’re over the rapids you’re almost home free!
Who are the Favorites this year?
In the Motorized Division, here are the three teams to watch:
“Bargain Blender” is powered by steam drawn from eight defective onboard rice cookers. With a top speed of only 28 mph some have counted him out. But not so fast! The “Blender” will be driven by Number One Son, Knowe How Yee, who knows how to lead a pack in the flat stretches. If language barriers don’t come into play, he might just make the grade.
“Compostinator” will be fueled by pure methane released from the rotting produce he’s collected from the Sav-A-Bit Markit. His driver, on-again, off-again paramour Raven, is well schooled in handling the curves, but intermittent stops for “poo” might slow her down. Still one to watch… especially if the “flatch” is good!
“Powered by Carson” will have all Pook’s Addition rooting for their local guy
. Powered by six hundred pints of expired nail polish remover donated by Elite Hair and Nails,
Hoot might take the lead quickly at first. But fuel might be hard to come by if he runs dry in Poison Wells. And his “exotic” look might not win him any friends in Quagmire.
Should be interesting!