An overflow crowd jammed the Skeet Range last evening at the toney Easthamper Club to cheer Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey and Repealical Party officials as the Flubug Sheriff revealed his hand-picked successor, Heinrich “Bum Steer” Bradley, current Komandant of the Hormel Home Guard.
Ramsey, who is seeking the office of Down County Supervisor in this fall’s election, praised Bradley’s commitment to privatizing “any and all areas of law enforcement” and his insistence that all participants in Flubug’s incarceration experience “pay their own way.”
The throng, lured mostly by the $10.99 SnakeBake, were equally receptive to Stateline Council Chair, Jan Gallo, adored by the right as “The Icebox Wine Queen” for her usurpation of this year’s entire stunted grape crop in Vermouth. Gallo, whose distaste for legality earned her a second term, pledged her effort to double the height and length of the controversial wall on the Stateline border, stating that, “the wall is our ticket to job creation and It’ll be a shot in the arm for our local razor wire industry.”
The crowd gave her a standing ovation.
Mayor Bobby Ornrey was also in attendance, appearing with his newly appointed surrogate, Josef O’Smiley, better know as “Joe the Lifeguard,” who gained notoriety (or fame, depending on your perspective) when he refused to rescue a drowning man off Jenny’s Jetty, stating flatly that rescuing people on public property was “not technically my job description.” Joe, who has rarely been seen leaving his lifeguard chair for anything other than jaunts to the restroom or vending machines, was recently named Underachiever of the Year by the local chapter of Junior Underachievement.
Across town, incumbent Dumbacrat Larraboo Washington tried to steal some of Ramsey’s thunder by holding a more modest rally outside the Illiad Wellness Center. The crowd, a diverse mix of unemployed maids and pickpockets, munched on “taters” while Sonata belted out several tunes from the long-running Playhouse hit “Possum N Taters.” Sonata, who enjoys a featured role in the mystery theater production, sang nearly every song in the show before being joined by the Balto Belter, Shonda Taft for a spirited rendition of “Don’t Drink From My Jug.”
Washington, whose well-chronicled draft evasion has been the topic of several negative ads run by the Ramsey campaign, defended himself by pointing to his stint as drum major at Flubug High. He also introduced his choice for County Health and Human Services Director, Ethel Axelroot of Pook’s Addition, saying that “Her experience with both the tobacco industry and Emergency Room staff will provide a unique skill set as we face the challenges of a privatized world.”
Local odds, set by Nick Carz at Louis the 14th , peg her chances of nomination at 25:1. Bets may be placed at the bar weekdays between 5pm and 2pm or by private appointment for a small surcharge.