Firefighters with Bradshaw’s Pike Fire Department (the only fire department that hasn’t been privatized) are blaming fireworks, in particular those purchased at Yee’s high-powered fireworks stand, for the “firenado” outbreaks still raging across much of Down County. The fireworks, oddly reminiscent of the ordnance gone missing from Nix AFB last month, reportedly ignite at temperatures above ninety degrees and were designed to cause “conflagration events.” A spokesman for Nix AFB explained: “If these are the same ordnance, and believe me we’re looking into it, they were designed for use in a PTO (Polar Theater of Operations) where temperatures rarely exceed fifty degrees and winds can whip wildfires into funnels of flame which are highly desirable for clearing pesky ice floes and glaciers.”
Flubug Meteorologist Gray Halsey, whose reputation suffered a severe blow last year when his wildly unreliable forecasts were proven to be drawn from a satellite spewing data from the 1970’s, agrees, saying the explanation could easily account for the unusual columns of fire we’ve seen burning their way through communities. “Organic firenados are pretty rare. You basically need a tornado and a raging fire. But these type of incendiary devices mimic those conditions by adding a magnesium fire to a circulating vacuum. The result, as we’ve seen, are towering infernos with winds up to 300mph. They’re really a sight to behold.”
But not everyone shares Halsey’s enthusiasm for the estimated thirty firenados burning out of control tonight. “It’s damn near impossible to stop these things once they get started,” said Lt. Fire Chief Simmons McGee. “And I ain’t seen none of the private companies out here. Weren’t them the guys who were supposed to be so much better at this than us?”
Indeed, none of the thirteen for-profit fire departments have sent personnel or equipment to battle the blazes. In the word of Poison Wells’ mayor, Osgood Thoroughby, who watched helplessly this afternoon as a 10,000 foot column of fire turned his town into charred debris. “These guys were all smoke and mirrors until the smoke showed up. Now they’re probably sitting at home watching it on TV.”
But public outrage has been directed less toward the MIA for-profit fire departments than toward Tran Minh Yee, owner/operator of Yee’s Fireworks who allegedly sold the defective (stolen?) ordnance. As one Flubugger put it, while watching his storefront go up in flames, “We’re gonna find that little bastard and string him up by his thumbs!”
The fireworks show scheduled for this evening at Founder’s Park has been cancelled. Those not directly affected by the funnels can watch the show in safety from the Black Lung Memorial on Slopeside.