In a shocking development that tazed the local gal-wrastlin’ community and sent bookies scrambling for out-of-state bus tickets, the Wrestling Commission announced today that Flubug superstar and 57-time wrestling champ, Amber “da Bammer” Carz, will be disqualified from the State Wrestling Championships and disallowed from facing Nailyard’s Heidi “Brunt” Jackson in the highly-anticipated State Finals scheduled for next month at the “No Crack At The HAAC” Championship Bonanza.
The announcement, which pre-empted the afternoon corn report, was made by Commissioner Jeremiah “Slake” Cottonwood who became increasingly emotional as he read the prepared statement: “It is with the deepest regret,” he began. “That I must inform you that the Wrestling Commission has today voted to disqualify Amber Carz from the upcoming State Wrestling Championships at the HAAC pending an investigation into allegations that Ms. Carz enhanced her performance with… “ He paused. “…a full pound of zinc in each signature blue and white gauntlet.”
Reporters leapt to their feet in confusion, hurling questions and accusations like lightning.
“Isn’t this based on unsubstantiated reports from Denny Dithers, the eleven year-old janitor from Nailyard who works in the same school as ‘Brunt’?”
“Isn’t this decision brash given the fact that this ‘janitor’ has been seen driving a new motorcycle?”
“What do you say to those who insist this ‘evidence’ is nothing more than a frame set up by Nailyard coach, Kaiser “Doc” Wilhem, to settle an old feud?”
“Is the Commission really going to disqualify the most popular sports figure except Abcess?”
“What do you say to the fans?”
The Commissioner refused to comment and pushed his way toward the exit, but he was mobbed as he got in his limousine by an angry crowd. “Am-ber! Am-ber! Am-ber!” they cried as they rocked the limo back and forth. “Am-ber! Am-ber!”
Others took up the cry. Those we interviewed pointed to the fact that the “janitor” was found with four tubes of glue in his pockets at the same time he allegedly found the zinc.
“And guess what?” said one disgruntled fan who vowed to take the fight to Nailyard. “The zinc removed from Amber’s gauntlets were covered in glue.”
His friend chimed in as anti-Nailyard sentiment grew more intense. “I don’t care if they do have nail guns. We got Amber. And, believe me, she don’t need zinc to kick that beyotch’s butt!”
The Carz family has yet to release a statement regarding the Commission’s decision.