In a desperate effort to stay afloat, The Bugle rolled out their latest marketing ploy today with their “Vote For Your Favorite Flubugger” contest. The contest, which brazenly offers entrants a front page article with their real name and fictitious photo, will be run through the week and end next Saturday (at which point the paper will count–probably on one hand–the number of participants and decide if the CEO should receive a larger bonus.
But it does mark a turning point in Bugle history. For the first time ever The Flubug Bugle wants YOU to choose the residents you like… and the residents you want to know more about (if any). As the only paper in town, we can make up stuff about anyone! And it’s up to them to prove we’re wrong (he-he). So tell us who you like… and we promise to smear them good in the next few weeks 😉
Unlike Down County, which requires voters to present a gun license before voting, anyone, say, older than six can vote in our contest (except resident of Nailyard). You can also vote as many times as you want and for as many residents as you want. Just post your Fave Flubugger in a comment to this post or vote for them on our Flubug Bugle Facebook Fan Page (and you can Like us on Facebook right from here, btw)
WHAT IF I DON’T KNOW THE RESIDENTS?
First of all, that’s inconceivable. But, in the off chance you’re not familiar with Flubug’s residents (and who could blame you?), we recommend a quick visit to our Residents Page. You can also read through the many articles and editorials that have made The Flubug Bugle perhaps the least-read blog on earth. But the Residents Page might be easier.
CHEAT BY USING OUR SUGGESTIONS!
Far be it for us to “skew” the results in our own contest. But, hey… we kind of promised the mayor we’d through in a good word for him. So here’s our Top Twelve Suggestions for Fave Flubugger:
Mayor Bobby Ornery
They don’t call him the “Midnight Magistrate” for nothing. He’s tough as nails and a constant embarrassment to a town already struggling with an image problem. He’s also unpredictable. From his recent plea for Founder’s Park to be “occupied” to his pardon of “underlings” engaged in enhanced intelligence (sp?) gathering techinques, you never know where he’s coming from! But hey, we love him. (that’s the best we could do given your poll numbers, Bobby… sorry)
Yee Tran Minh
Yee’s Appliance Garden is by any definition, a joke. His products are defective. His business is a trash heap. And he’s suspected in duping homeowners with unsafe copper wiring. But, as the only appliance dealer in town, he’s got something of a monopoly. Yes, he’s probably the least trusted man in town. Yes, his brother was recently run off The Dump for selling God-knows-what to hungry golfers. But ya gotta love his glasses!
As the most depressed woman in Flubug, Gwen might seem like an odd choice. But her ubiquitous presence at womyn’s events, her prodigious musical career which includes Open Mike Nite at Bohunks, several CDs and her “Hours of Regret” radio program on KRAK Radio… not to mention her tireless efforts on behalf of womyn and fellow sufferers through her Womyn With Problems organization (which meets in secret every month) should more than justify her as anyone “Fave Flubugger!”
Amber “da Bammer” Carz
If Amber isn’t your favorite Flubugger, she’s certainly should be. The 19 year-old wrestling champ has made Flubug proud with 57 straight match victories, 55 by knockout, and is slated to meet Nailyard’s Heidi “Brunt” Jackson at the HAAC for the State Finals in March. And what a match it will be! Flubug and Nailyard hold grudges going back to the days of Amber’s mom, Crazy Janie Carz, and will be packing their nail guns for this one!
As Amber’s dad, Nick would be popular in Flubug even if he wasn’t so charming. But Nick can charm the horn off a rhinoceros and sell it for top dollar. He’s known as the guy who can get anything you want. He can also empty your wallet faster than you can buy another round at Louie’s. His wife, Maggie, works the night shift at Bradshaw’s. His other daughter, though mentally challenged (which is saying a lot in Flubug), is a fixture at Amber’s events where her spatula has become feared.
Chrystal Thompson is well known to Flubuggers as the “Chrystal” on KRAK radio’s “Chrystal and Peppy in the Morning” drive time program. But there’s another dimension to her talents. As lead singer for “Like Chrystal,” perhaps the most popular band in the county, she draws rabid crowds for her performances at The Ditch and has received rave reviews from as far away as Shilltown. At 28, Chrystal has come a long way since her days selling poo in Poison Wells. And she’s our vote!
Many believe the reclusive Pot is in fact Pol Pot, the genocidal Cambodian dictator presumed dead since 1998. The rumors, which suggest he relocated to Bradshaw’s Pike under a flimsy disguise and an equally flimsy clause of the Witness Protection Program, are bolstered by the fact that he’s sequestered in a house made of human skulls while breeding enormous dragonflies for the Poor Farm Family Fun Park behind an antler-barbed fence. Neighbors like John “Dwayne” Gacy don’t help.
Carlton Dickwadd, Jr
Carlton Dickwadd, Jr. is the loathsome son of Carlton Dickwadd who made his fortune selling flavored bones at his Dem Bones Family Restaurant chain. The young Dickwadd attracts nothing but trouble. He got off with a reckless hunting charge when his mother was found with six slugs in her chest. But last summer he drove his Lamborghini into a crowded bus stop, killing six kids, a mucama and an elderly hunchback. Now he’s accused of driving a golf ball into an elementary school playground. I’d vote for him soon!
Jake Pinewood and partner, Karen Rutherford, owned the C’est la Vie Funeral Home in Bradshaw’s Pike. They had quite a sweet deal. The nearest competition was in Poison Wells and, well… that’s no place to pay respects. But bodies started disappearing. How many? We’re not sure. But something went afoul at the now-shuttered C’est la Vie. We’re also not sure if the “horse meat” riots at Bradshaw Prison are some how connected. Maybe even Horseman’s Park? All we know are the gals have gone AWOL… and so have a lot of bodies.
Crotch Johnson is the only son of Z Socrates “Scotch” Johnson, the celebrated race car driver who ran out of gas in Flubug and decided to stay. His decision, based in part on the fact that there were no filling stations, drove his son’s lifelong ambition to run his own station. Sadly, Crotch never achieved that dream. But he did go to work for Carson’s Car Service in the Flubug Fishtail following a failed stint as proprietor of a clock repair company. Known for his cheery whistles, Crotch is still the only man in town with a lifetime pass to the zoo.
Ditch owner Mandy is well known, well connected and as close as anyone to being a “pillar” of Flubug society. But it was a long road from their family slaughterhouse in Hormel. Mandy was raised in an odd mix of showbiz, vaudeville and S&M. She and brother Randy, who croons “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart” on Thursday nights at the gay-centric Nafta Inn, faced insurmountable odds in their childhoods, not least of which were the shackles that kept them in home school until 2009. She may be a mess, but she’s our mess!
Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey
We’d be remiss if we didn’t recommend our beloved sheriff (and probably have to pay more for protection). But “Big Dog” is as much a part of Flubug as the World’s Largest Graphite Pencil. He acts tough. He looks tough. He is tough! From the sentencing software that allows his cops to pass judgment right there on the streets, to his plan to tag the homeless and ship them to Tanwater Park as part of his “Catch and Release” initiative. A vote for Ramsey is a vote for law and order in Flubug (and he might even pay you!)
So go ahead… leave us a comment and vote for your fave Flubugger…. and hurry! The contest ends this Saturday!!