Indictments Issued in Missing Body Puzzler

After weeks of speculation, District Attorney Mayweather Simms is ready to unseal indictments against C’est la Vie Funeral Home Director Jake Pinewood and her longtime associate, Karen Rutherford. The women, who share ownership of the facility and–according to Sandra DeMarco, librarian at the Grafite Cornerz Publik Liberry— intimate relations, will reportedly be scheduled to appear before the Flubug Grand Jury on April 10th following the discovery of their whereabouts.

At issue is the disappearance of Lydia Thanatogenos, taken to the funeral home on November 23, 2011 after a year-long battle with restless leg syndrome claimed her life in a spectacular spasm. Thanatogenos’ body, which daughter Lydia claims was whisked away in a Volkswagen bus with the words, “C’est la Vie” painted on the side, was to be interred two days later in a pricey but uninspired ceremony.

That ceremony never happened.

Instead, her daughter received a certificate that claimed her mother had already been cremated and offered a ten percent discount on all future purchases. Lydia went to the police.

Cest la Vie Funeral Home ad“I was dumbfounded,” she recounted, sobbing into a complimentary C’est la Vie wet nap. “I had already paid for the embalming, the service, the casket, the flowers…even the alternate pallbearers in case my facebook friends didn’t show. It’s outrageous!”

Flubug police agreed and launched a full-scale investigation last year. Now it appears the evidence from that investigation will be heard by the grand jury. “We are prepared,” said Sheriff Ramsey in a telephone interview that preempted the D.A’s announcement. “To present our findings to the grand jury, no matter how grisly, no matter how heinous, no matter how damaging the facts may be to my political opponents.”

Ramsey’s inference of “political opponents” was immediately interpreted as a reference to Mayor Ornery, his only opponent in the race for Down County Commissioner, and elicited a quick response from the Ornery’s campaign. “If the sheriff’s got any evidence that Mayor Ornery is connected with these crimes,” said Dustin Ashe, the young firebrand attorney who heads the mayor’s re-election campaign. “he should present it immediately. Otherwise, he and Deputy Fife should go back to writing tickets and chowing down Aunt Bee’s huckleberry pie.”

For now, Angela Anostogenis takes solace in the fact that the wheels of justice are turning. But April is still weeks away. And if there’s any substance to the mud being flung from the sheriff’s office, there may be many more bodies before this whole morbid business is behind us.

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