Mayor: “Why Haven’t We Been Occupied?”

The mayor’s re-election team is in full damage control today after Mayor Ornery’s comments last night to the Flubug Merchant’s Association in which he characterized Founder’s Park as “a dump” and asked why the park “hasn’t been ‘occupied’ like every other park in the country?”

His comments, widely perceived as endorsing the Occupy Movement, stood in stark contrast to his image as a tough law-and-order candidate with a record of two hundred unsolved homeless murders in as many years.

But we at The Bugle applaud his candidness (if not his candidacy). Founder’s Park is a dump. And the Occupy Movement, regardless of your perception, is a nationwide phenomenon. The “Ninety-Niners” as they refer to themselves, have staked claims in every town, city and symbolic center across the country… except Flubug.

Why?

Take a stroll down to Founder’s Park one night. If you’re lucky you’ll find it deserted. Take a look at the trash, the beer cans, needles, fast food wrappers and unwanted Gwen CDs. Look again at tattered Ditch posters that hang from the now biannual sycamores. And you’ll understand why the park has been neglected by the Occupy Movement.

This paper has often opposed the gals at Lavender Condition. We felt they were too hasty in supporting the humane treatment of mosquitoes and we urged constraint in their charges of brutality against the coroner in the Dooley autopsy case. But this is different. The Occupy Movement could put Flubug on the map. For that reason we hope Lavender Condition will reach out to their cohorts in the Occupy Movement or perhaps occupy the park themselves. Our park is just as “occupi-able” as any other park in America!

And here’s why:

1) No other park is as tent-friendly as Founder’s Park. The ground is soft (okay, dank) which makes it easy to dig pit toilets. Kindling is plentiful. And potable water is a close as Wild Bill’s restroom. Sure, honey badgers can be bothersome at night. And we won’t kid you about the anacondas. There have been sightings in the underbrush. But what are these inconveniences compared to the cause of liberty?

2) Founder’s Park is free! Occupiers could camp in Founder’s Park for, well…. years if they wanted to… and it wouldn’t cost a dime. That’s good news for those out of work for, say, ten years or more. It’s also good news for the economy (though we haven’t quite figure out how).

3) Occupiers would finally be in the 1%! That’s right. No other public space can boast less public traffic than Founder’s Park. In fact, only 1% of Flubug’s population will even go near the place! That means anyone who “occupied” it would immediately be part of the 1%!

4) Cheap food! Wild Bill’s has a pico de gallo to die for (in fact, seventeen people were hospitalized last month). But it’s vegetarian all the way so Occupiers wouldn’t have to compromise morals for politics.

5) Media Exposure! KRAK studios are less than a block away for those all-important live feeds when (if) violence were to erupt. And with The Bugle on the scene, reporting would always be fair and balanced.

Sonata adWe empathize with those who feel the mayor has “caved” to special interests. We also empathize with those who feel that Lavender Condition are out of their ever-loving minds. But as Flubuggers first, we should all consider the bigger picture.

Flubug is the only city on earth that hasn’t been occupied. No matter what your politics you’ve got to admit that reflects poorly on us as a tourist destination. If we can’t even attract protesters how can we hope to attract people with money?

So come on Gwen, Beverly, Sonata and everyone else at Lavender Condition. Skip the rally for Planned Personhood this month and Occupy Flubug!

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