The hole, which brought the Falcon’s football season (and a sixteen year losing streak) to a flamboyant end last year, narrowly missed Falcon quarterback, Jowan Trubshaw, as he threw his ninth Hail Mary pass of the quarter. It also gobbled up two Balto halfbacks to the delight of Falcon fans who saw the hole’s appearance as an answer to their prayers.
But the game was eventually called and the stadium closed “until further notice.”
That was in 2012.
At the time Coach Pounce Paulson, who barely avoided the expanding sinkhole, was understandably vexed.: “Here we are… just about to turn this thing around and they call the game over a silly sinkhole!” He fled the field moments later. Two cheerleaders were also treated at the scene for emotional distress after losing their batons.
And yet little has changed since that fateful day. Flubug’s Corps of Engineers, which consist of two janitors, a sign painter and a three part-time gardeners, responded galantly, placing warning signs at the perimeter, but the signs were quickly consumed and the C.O.E. never returned. Even so, Cal Winston, Deputy Chair of the Down County Athletic Association, characterized their efforts as “the most courageous I’ve seen since the Poor House collapsed in ’09.”
But cheerleader Becky Wampus, who watched the fissure open from atop the shoulders of her teammates on the Fightin’ Falcon’s event narrowly escaped being sucked into the hole, was less enthusiastic about containment efforts. “What’s a stupid sign gonna do? No one’s gonna go near that thing. Not in a million years. It was only five or six feet wide when those Balto guys got sucked in. And what ever happened to them anyway?”
The field will remain closed until officials return from their fifteen-week Christmas break. In the meantime, Falcon fans are the real losers. “I know Balto will claim they won the game ’cause it was 84 to 6,” griped Amy Vaccinelli, who lost an ice chest in the incident. “But Trubshaw was just getting warmed up. And things like this just don’t ‘happen.’ It was like God said ‘Okay. It’s Flubug’s turn to win.’ Don’t we deserve that?”
Whether or not Flubug deserves to win is up for debate, especially with fifteen players on the DL or suspended for drug-related offenses. But one thing’s for sure:
That hole isn’t going anywhere.