In an inspiring display of strength, speed and naked aggression, Flubug’s Amber “Da Bammer” Carz made short work of her Balto opponent, Susan Osteoporowski, in the 130-lb. class bout, ensuring a third straight trip to the state wrestling championships for the Fightin’ Falcons.
As longtime coach and proud papa, Nick Carz, looked on from the front row, the bout, which drew record crowds, ended as soon as it began. “The moment I heard Osteoporowski’s head snap back I knew we’d be packing for State,” said Carz who, contrary to earlier reports, will not be betting on his daughter’s opponent. “There ain’t a gal in the county can whoop Amber. You’d be nuts to bet against her!”
Carz neatly sidestepped allegations that his daughter uses rage-enhancing drugs to boost her performance. “Look,” he said curtly. “She drinks Red Bull after school, maybe a couple frappacinnos. Sometimes she borrows my inhaler. I wouldn’t call that ‘rage-enhancing. I’d call it American!”
But last night’s rage wasn’t confined to the HAAC.
Outside the arena, bands of Osteoporowski supporters from Hormel, Poison Wells and as far away as Disfigure skirmished with Flubug fans, resulting in two dozen fires, a broken collarbone and a string of opportune car thefts.
Sheriff Ramsey was unusually circumspect. “Look. I think they just use the fight as an excuse to let off a little steam.” He grabbed a flame thrower from the back of his patrol car and put on his riot gear. “But now it’s time to ‘turn up the heat a bit’ on these youngsters. Fun’s fun. But it’s curfew. And you got to know when it’s time to go home.”
With last night’s win, Amber has completed her third undefeated season in league matches. Management at Bohunk’s was so delighted they announced an expansion of their anemic shuttle service to include the Stateline Municipal Auditorium. “We want to make sure Amber’s fans have the chance to to follow their Hometown Queen,” said Coombs, owner of Bohunk’s and former pie-eating champion. “It’s the least we can do to show our appreciation.”
One way tickets from Bohunks will increase slightly during the championships to $75 per person and will include an “onboard Happy Hour.”
See you at State!