The new drop-in sentencing program, adopted in response to Down County Commissioners’ refusal to up Flubug’s debt ceiling from $150 a year, was touted by Mayor Bobby Ornery as a “sure fire way” to increase city coffers while postponing an increase in crime. The program, which lets would-be criminals serve time at their convenience for crimes they’ve yet to commit, uses a punch card to track time served and lists a variety of crimes that inmates can earn for their time.
“Naturally we left out murder,” explained Ornery to an increasingly dumbstruck crowd. “But your possession, DUI, hit-and-run, armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon are all in there.”
To be sure, the Revised Sentencing Act of 2010, passed by the Down County Commission in closed-door session, bodes well for the program. That legislation, which levies a $15 daily fine on all Down County inmates, has been an economic boon to the county and county officials. But little of the cash has seen its way to Flubug.
“They’re snagging our best talent and stealing their loot!” snapped Ornery when asked to reconcile the program with his recent campaign slogan, “God and County First.”
“If you commit a crime in Flubug, you should do the time in Flubug. And Flubug should reap the rewards, not some bureaucrat in Stateline. If you get robbed of $100 you don’t want your hard-earned cash going to some grid-locked government lackey you don’t know. You want lackeys you do know to get it!”
Detractors like Babs Stricklen (a known socialist with ties to the Red Books bookstore) were quick to respond. “This amounts to a wholesale surrender of our community crime prevention efforts and smacks of political expedience. This mayor has taken it upon himself to trade an escalating crime rate for ready cash. It’s unconscionable!”
Others, like Grande Rio, convicted of assault, assault with a deadly weapon, assault with aggravated intent, breaking and entering, entering without breaking, three hit-and-runs, seven DUIs, rape, attempted rape, battery, stealing batteries, shooting dice after curfew, shooting the homeless, shooting the homeless out of season, witness tampering and sex with a barnyard animal, were less quick to judge: “I sink is good idea. You no need to catch crook. He already do time. And crook? He got law in pocket. So I sink is good for everyone.”
Down County officials declined to comment on the program other than calling it “unilateral” and without “legal standing.”