Vermouth – An out-of-state couple is missing and presumed kidnapped along a barren stretch of road that leads from Tanwater Park through Vermouth. The couple, who went missing on Sunday, were due to arrive in Poison Wells Monday night for a reunion with their chiropractor. But that reunion never happened. Instead, say disinterested officials, family members received a garbled phone phone call which suggested the couple were being held for an undisclosed sum. If so, this marks the tenth kidnapping in as many months along the troubled throroughfare.
When asked about the disappearance, Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey, fresh from a week of sensitivity training, held out little hope for the couple’s safety. “Let’s face it. They’re already dead. That’s the way these animals work. They kill ’em and call the family for a ransom. It ain’t even worth me drivin’ out there to investigate.” He paused for a moment to answer the phone. “Gimme a sec here, boys. I got the family on the line.”
Locals know that stretch of road as Down County 16 or Tanwater Park Road as it nears the park entrance. They also know it’s a cesspool of bandits and kidnappers rivaled only by downtown Vermouth. Many signs along the thoroughfare have been defaced or reversed to purposely confuse tourists. Others have been removed entirely.
One anonymous source, who claimed to have ties to the alleged kidnappings, told The Bugle: “We looks fer out-of-state plates, pull the car over and grab ’em. Then we calls their relatives. If they ain’t got none?” He drew a finger across his throat and smiled. “They’s headed for Brackwater dinner plates.”
When asked about the lackluster response by police officials to the recent spate of crimes, the source just laughed. “Who, Ramsey? Hell, he gets 25%!”
Residents with any information about the couple’s disappearance are encouraged to call the Down County Missings Persons Bureau during their new hours of operation between 1pm and 3pm every leap year.