In the latest in a series of mishaps that have plagued the Slopeside Golf Course, an eight year-old child was taken to Flubug Memorial Hospital this morning after being knocked from his see-saw on the playing field at J.J. Dynomite Elementary School by a flying golf ball. The child, whose name was not released, was listed in critical condition when he first arrived at the hospital but has since been upgraded to satisfactory pending a scheduled press conference.
That explanation, yet to be voiced by a reliable source, may also explain the tragedies that have become commonplace at the ill-fated course. In 2011, a flying golf ball hit 6 year-old Teddy Stevens while boarding a bus. In 2012, a ball hit Shawn Holloway, blinding the child in one eye. And earlier this year, another golf ball hit 9 year-old Shandra LeShay, knocking her into a coma from which she’s yet to recover.
Parents are understandably vexed, especially since the ball was allegedly hit by Carlton Dickwadd, Jr., thought to be under house arrest for his involvement in a hit-and-run accident that left eight people dead.
“It’s outrageous!” insists Martha Washington, proprietor of Elite Hair & Nails. “This S.O.B. sits on Slopeside Avenue, hitting golf balls into our kids’ schoolyard when he should be sittin’ in jail! Where’s the justice in all this? Where’s the justice?”
Yet not everyone is convinced the blame belongs on Dickwadd’s back―or the golf course.
“The difficulty,” explains Harrison Ashe, father of Dickwadd’s defense attorney and senior partner in the law firm that owns the course, “is the configuration of the eighteenth hole. Any course can have a lake or a sand trap. We wanted something different at Slopeside, something more challenging. So we put the eighteenth hole on the other side of the elementary school. Now, granted, we knew there was a degree of risk. There’s always risk when kids are involved. But, damn it, that’s why parents have to sign those waivers. We can’t very well move the course, now can we?”
But one thing’s for certain. Parents of children at J.J.Dynomite Elementary School aren’t giving up without a fight. And their voices are growing louder.
“We’re gonna organize. We’re gonna go up there. And we’re gonna burn that place to the ground!” barked Pastor Feurgason Jenkins while gripping a bullhorn at an impromptu vigil outside the hospital this evening. “And we’re gonna drag that child-killin’ S.O.B. into the streets for some good ol’ fashioned, Old Testament style justice.”
Trial in the Dickwadd case is set to begin next month.