1) If our web stats are correct you’ll be the first in your (state) to own Flubug Gear!
2) Remember the Edsel? Of course not! They made like ten of them. That’s why they were so collectible. Well… it’s the same with Flubug Gear. Folks’ll pay Big Bucks for this stuff in The Future. But guess what? You’ll be the only one who has it!
3) Flubug Gear is inherently cool. Only Super Intelligent People read The Bugle. No one else understands it, not even your friends! They think it’s real or silly (the fools). But just wait Ten Years when they figure it out. You’ll be like one of the first who got into the Goth scene. But you won’t be able to prove you were one of the first unless you have Authentic Flubug Gear. Need we say more?
4) We shouldn’t tell you this, but Flubug stock is about to go public. When it does, all hell will break loose on the New York Stock Exchange. Estimates put Flubug’s Starting Price at well above $100 Per Share! Can you imagine the panic when they find out there’s only a FEW Flubug Gear items for sale??? (like we said, we shouldn’t have told you this)
5) Jesus wears Flubug tee shirts! How do we know? He’s back!! And He just placed an order for 13 shirts. What better way to get on Jesus’ “good side” than wearing the same clothes as The Lord? Plus (and let’s be honest here) Jesus being back isn’t necessarily a good thing. Oh, sure, He’ll be fun to see again. But have you seen any prediction that says He’ll be in a good mood? Didn’t think so. What’s a coupla bucks compared to Eternal Damnation?
6) Islamofascists are Not Allowed to wear Flubug Gear of any kind. If caught they can be… um.. flogged! No wait, stoned! Yeah, stoned. Do you approve of stoning?? Of course not! It’s barbaric, cruel and infinitely less predictable than, say, smoking. So by “gearing up” with Flubug merch, you’re actually telling the world you’re against stoning (or something).
7) Flubug Gear sets you apart from the “older” generation. Oldsters, bless their hearts, have enough trouble checking their email.. if they even own a computer! There’s no way they have the technological savvy to find their way to the Flubug Bugle. Even most residents can’t! (or refuse to) What’s more, oldsters who “see” Flubug Gear see the images upside down. Only your young cool friends will Fully Understand the message.
8) Flubug Gear is not available in any store! And it never will be. There’s no way we’d “taint” the Flubug brand by selling it at common malls, lowly stores or other outlets that prey on their customers by using bait-and-switch tactics and guilt. We’ll just take Flublue off the site and kill ourselves if you don’t buy our stuff.
9) Flubug Gear is designed to last a thousand years! That’s right. Let the End Times come. Let tyrants rise and fall. Let an asteroid the size of Manhattan slam into the East River and cause a tsunami that hammers Chicago! Your investment is safe because Flubug Gear is (designed anyway) to last a millenium!
10) Flubug Gear is the New Rolls Royce! Sure, times have changed. The economy is weak. Okay, i’ts dead. But status is still status. It’s all relative. Go to any zoo and watch the monkeys fight over a… stick… or bone, or something. Whoever gets it is Top Dog! Well, it’s the same with Flubug Gear. Most People can’t afford the Cost of Admission. Or they’re too busy paying for useless distractions (which, by the way, carry No Status). When you buy Flubug Gear, you’re telling the world you’ve got “money to burn!” And isn’t that what status is all about?
11) Flubug Gear has Multiple Uses! Most things can only be used for one thing. Like camping gear. When else are you going to use an air pump that plugs into your car’s cigarette lighter? But Flubug Gear can be used for Multiple Applications! Mugs can double as weapons (and greatly increase your security… even better than the War on Terror!). Shirts can be used as towelettes, bar rags… even prayer rugs! Posters can be used for wrapping fish! The uses for Flubug Gear are limitless.
12) Flubug Gear can help you rise to power! Yep. Flubug Gear is Secret Society stuff. And we all know that the most powerful people in the world belong to Secret Societies: The Illuminati… Skull & Bones… the FDA! Hell, the American founders were Masons (talk about secret societies?) Let’s face it. If you’re not part of a Secret Society you’re just another Clown in the Unclean Circus. Ewwwwwwwwww!
13) Flubug Gear becomes Even Funnier when you’re drunk! I know it’s hard to believe, but Flubug Gear… as funny as it is… becomes even funnier after, say, twenty tall ales. And you don’t even have to be drunk to see it happen! Invite your drunken friends over and watch the hilarity as they ogle (then steal) your gear! You won’t want to miss it.
14) Flubug Gear transcends national policy! Is your country suffering sanctions? We don’t care! Are trade barriers blocking you from getting goods from the U.S.? Not Anymore! Flubug is “technically” a town without a country. Flubug is Everywhere and Nowhere at once (kinda like a singularity). That means we’re not constrained by silly, out-of-date laws (as long as we keep moving). And, as avowed atheists, we’re not even constrained by the Laws of God! No matter how restrictive your country’s policies… religious or political… we’ll find a way to get you the Flubug Gear you crave!
…should I keep going?