Surface-To-Air Missile Nabbed at High School

Flubug – Flubug High School remains on lockdown this morning following the startling discovery of a -to-air in a student’s locker. The student, whose name was withheld pending notification of his parents at 1134 Bradshaw’s Pike, was immediately taken into police custody. The launcher that usually accompanies the has yet to be located.

tanwater park ad... its possum season!At a hastily-convened news conference, Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey revealed that the 16-year old junior planned to use the weapon “for possum hunting” this weekend at Tanwater Park, raising the terrifying specter of missiles skimming along the forest floor at twice the speed of sound.

Asked how sophisticated weaponry like the FIM-92 Stinger Man-Portable Air Defense System could have found its way into a student’s locker, Sheriff Ramsey was non-committal. “Nothin’ surprises me anymore. Last year we had Molotov cocktails. The year before it was Chinese grenades. There’s more weapons in that school than Brackwater Prison!”

The Sheriff isn’t too far off. In an extensive search that followed the ’s discovery, police found a cache of AK-47s, sixteen 9mm Glocks, four homemade knives and an arrowhead bound to a pencil. By contrast, only five weapons were confiscated at Brackwater Prison this year, though the figures may be skewed by controversial, “Guns For Cash” program initiated last spring.

The accuracy of Sheriff Ramsey’s comments sat poorly with many students who shivered outside, waiting to return to class. “If he knows there’s weapons, why doesn’t he do something about it?” griped Peggy Landrew, clutching a can of Mace. “I’m here to learn, not die.”

Parents were similarly vexed. “I’ve had it,” snapped Meredith Johnston, grabbing her 15 year-old daughter and bustling her into their minivan. “I didn’t raise my kid to become cannon fodder for some Bradshaw nut case!”

Many questions remain unanswered. Did the child actually plan to use the weapon, designed to down aircraft at altitudes of 16,000 feet, on possums? And how could a teenager have possibly secured such awesome firepower? These questions, and many others, will have to be answered quickly if Flubug’s public education system is to retain any semblance of credibility.

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