Down County District Court – “Ladybug,” owner and operator of Ladybug’s General Store in the Flubug Turnaround, filed rape charges yesterday in Down County District Court. The charges, which allege she was sexually assaulted by fifteen “sweaty, muscular” Uzbeks, stem from an incident on April 6th on the Nafta Superhighway to which police were dispatched. Their response, initiated by a 911 call, found Uzbeks taunting the 500-pound store keeper as she tried to squeeze behind the wheel of her vintage Gremlin, but no evidence of sexual assault.
Nevertheless, insists she was sexually assaulted by all fifteen men and claims she has the evidence to prove it. “Look at this!” she yelled to reporters, hiking her skirt in a ghastly display. “You don’t get scars like this from being taunted!”
Others, including the Uzbeks, see the charges as patently unfounded. Characterizing the allegations as “wishful thinking,” one Uzbek, who couldn’t remember his alias, told The Bugle: “This lady couldn’t get laid if she was stranded on a desert island with the Dallas Cowboys!”
Another Uzbek, Oshknar Popinschlavokatzka, told reporters, “We just enjoy sun by motel pool. Fat scooter lady drive up and start taking off shirt. We laugh. Call her ‘fat scooter lady’ and she drive away.”
District Attorney Mayweather Simms will decide whether to pursue the case in the next few weeks. will reportedly keep the flag outside her shop at half mast through the weekend.