Balto – The Down County Sportsman’s Association issued a statement today lambasting Flubug’s “Catch and Release” program as “cynical, degrading and potentially life-threatening” and called Mayor Ornrey “a baboon.”
The initiative, which empowers Flubug Police to nab vagrants and them into the wild, was immediately defended by Mayor Bobby Ornrey as an innovative way to corral the city’s homeless into a more “sustainable and eco-friendly” environment.
Sportsmen however, preparing for what promises to be a banner possum season, aren’t buying his buzzwords.: “It’s calculated effort to rid the town of undesirables by dumping them in our hunting ground,” gripes Bert St. Cloud, president of the powerful sporting organization, Down County Assault Rifle Association (DCARA). “Next week we’ll have hundreds of hunters in Tanwater Park where dozens of disoriented homeless are now foraging for food and clawing out dens thanks to Mayor Ornrey. Sooner or later somebody’s going to get hurt.”
Jim Fitz, who owns a vacation hut on the water’s edge, goes even further. “These folks are going to get shot, pure and simple. They wander the woods, pawing through trash, gnawing the poisonous berries that signal the coming of spring. Who wouldn’t take a shot at them?”
But Mayor Ornrey, who led a similar effort last year to harness the homeless as plow mules, claims his plan is perfectly safe. “We took the added precaution of tagging their ears before driving them out to the park. We even innoculated them against rabies before having them blindfolded. Any responsible gun owner will be able to see those tags from a good twenty feet. And they’re protected if they get bit!”
Heather Hart, spokesperson for the socialist women’s group, Lavender Condition and head of the local American Civil Rights Union chapter (ACRU), wasn’t amused by the mayor’s quips. “This program is patently illegal and we plan to file a lawsuit against the mayor and everyone who voted for this program unless those people are returned immediately.”
Possum season begins Feb 7th.