Hormel – 19 year-old, Carlton Dickwadd Jr., heir to the Dem Bones fast food chain, plead not guilty in Down County District Court this morning, raising the specter of further racial tension in this already-divided town. His plea, widely anticipated by Down County District Attorney Mayweather Simms, stems from an incident last summer in which young Dickwadd allegedly drove his Lamborghini into a crowded bus stop, killing six black kids, a mucama and an elderly hunchback tying his shoe. Dickwadd showed his characteristic disdain for the law as magistrate, Judge Emily Knockspur, read the charges aloud from the bench.
“Do you realize the seriousness of these charges?” she asked at one point, glaring at him from her perched bifocals. “You know what this means to your way of life?”
“Yeah,” he said jokingly, kneading an elbow into his lawyer’s ribs. “It means I’ll have to drive the Mercedes.”
Dickwadd’s legal team, which includes Dustin Ashe, the attorney who successfully negotiated a reckless hunting plea for young Carlton when his mother was found with six slugs in her chest, was less jocular when confronted by reporters on the courthouse steps. “Look,” he said calmly, turning to face the cameras. “I’m sure young Carlton wasn’t mocking the seriousness of these charges. He just doesn’t think he can get a fair trial in this town. And given the judge’s attitude, who can blame him?”
Judging from the crowd of demonstrators, shouting, “Murderer!” “Scofflaw!” and “Hang the white bastard!” there may be some truth to his statement. Pastor Fuergason Jenkins, presiding minister at the Addition House of Prayer in Pook’s Addition, admitted as much moments later in a candid statement to the press. “Will we see riots? We may. We might even see vigilantism if justice isn’t served, and I don’t mean that as any kind of threat. I just want the jury to know that their lives are in danger if they don’t find this white bastard guilty of murder, that’s all.”
Noticably absent from the courtroom was Atlantis June Butler, daughter of aspriring congressman, Layden “Ben” Bulter, and the only passenger in the car. Sources disclose that the 16 year-old, Kingman Slope girl is being held at the Martin Luther King Rehabilitation Center in East Balto where she’s reportedly undergoing treatment for “emotional stress” and “acute methamphetamine poisoning,” possibly derived from exposure to tap water. Calls to the Butler residence went unanswered.
Opening arguments in the case are set to begin on May 14th in Hormel District Court, barring any unseen legal maneuvering by Dickwadd’s attorneys.