No, it’s not April Fools. In the latest series of grim statistics, Channel 7 News is reporting that the City of Flubug has achieved the dubious honor of leading the nation in per capita meth labs. This comes on the heels of similar accolades that Flubug is at the bottom of literacy and math comprehension levels for any city in Down County since recording began in 1871.
It also comes as no surprise to local law and drug enforcement agents who blame the precipitous rise in meth labs on public complacency, the influx of Mexican street drugs and an unemployment rate that’s stubbornly stuck at 42%.
“It’s a perfect storm,” complained Down County Drug Czar, Preston McComb, as he swept a large pile of white powder under his desk calendar. “No jobs, abandoned property and a thriving barter system create fertile ground for meth-hungry folk. Couple that with an inexplicable mistrust for law enforcement and you’ve got the makings for a real powderkeg.”
There are bright spots however. The Channel 7 News report listed ten areas where Flubug tops every city in the nation and, in keeping with our commitment to report the most optimistic news possible, we’ve listed those achievements here:
1.Flubug leads the nation in per capita graphite consumption
2.Flubug had only one outbreak of plague in the last ten years
3.Flubug’s water supply is unsurpassed in lead and arsenic levels
4.Flubug achieved the highest whooping cough rate in 2008
5.Flubug was voted “ADD Capitol of the World” by Huh? Magazine three years in a row
6.Flubug leads the nation in teen pregnancies, thanks to a successful abstinence program
7.Flubug tops the nation in “Intelligent Design” and “Global Cooling” instruction
8.Flubug exports more mosquitos per acre than any other region on earth
9.Flubug boasts the nation’s largest unmanaged waste facility
10.Flubug is home to the world’s largest graphite pencil at 640 ft!
Naturally these achievements don’t overshadow the urgency of our methamphetamine problem. And the average guy’s pride at the increase in size, quality and productivity of local meth labs doesn’t help.
“We’re putting out some good flatch these days,” brags local musician, Albino Poo, who plays for the popular rock group, Dr Longsleeves. “And it’s cheap. Not like that garbage we used to get from Poison Wells.”
Others insist that their cost of living has dropped precipitously. “Meth used to cost half my check,” said an anonymous gal who looked just like Jenny at Moxie’s Cafe. “But thanks to our local meth labs my cost is down by a third. Hell, I’m thinking of buying more!”
With these types of attitudes it’s no wonder we’ve reached this dubious crossroad.