Disgruntled Residents Riled by Tornado Hoax

Flubug – Disgruntled residents began the arduous task of removing storm-proofing measures put into place in response to a wildly innacurate forecast that predicted 200mph winds. That forecast, which implored residents to seek shelter at once and inferred that Cat 5 conditions could form, drove many Flubuggers to gas stations, food marts and hardware stores and snarled traffic on Down County Road to an extent not seen since the noodling finals last year. At least nine businesses reported longer than usual lines with several reporting fist fights and gunplay as supplies dwindled.

Jeb Gnarls, who runs the Take It N Git Markit in Bradshaw’s Pike, claims he saw it coming. “Soon as I ran outta cigarettes I knew’d someone was gonna git hurt. An’ sure ‘nough, this guy come at me with a 9mm, tellin’ me I got ‘two seconds’ to git him some Marlbros. Course, I juss peppered his butt wit’ my 30 ot 6 an’ the yella belly took off runnin’. But this kind o’ thing dint need t’ happen. We dint have no 200mph winds. Hell, we dint even have wind!”

Jeb’s right. We didn’t have wind. And his observations have been confirmed by national meterologists who profess confusion at earlier forecasts. Those meterologists released data this morning that showed last night’s wind speed never exceeded 5mph. That has many calling for the resignation of Balto meterologist, Gray Halsey, whose predictions have caused similar confusion in the past.

“The guy’s a hack,” griped Sandy Potlatch, as he pried a plywood plank from his home in Graphite Corners. “He does this to us all the time. I think the guy should be fired.”

Others, like Dennis Haley, proprietor of The Coffee Bug in the Downtown Flubug, agree. “It’s one thing to be wrong now and then. But to be this far off? Something’s very, very wrong.”

Indeed, something may be wrong. But Dwight Garrells at the National Institute of Weather Technology thinks he may have the answer. “The answer is simple. Those guys in Balto are still using data from a satellite that went defective years ago. That satellite only sends data for weather that happened in 1979. If they’re using that, it’s no wonder their forecasts are off.”

Repeated calls to the Balto Weather Center produced only cheery messages that the staff was “working from home.”

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