Woman Survives Savage Fox Attack

A 37 year-old woman from Disfigure was savaged by a fox on Monday afternoon and narrowly missed being eaten alive.

Speaking to The Bugle from her gurney outside the last known address for Flubug Memorial Hospital, Kwani Gustav Alborino, mother of three, said she was foraging for fescue when she was attacked.

“I was behind Moxie’s cutting fescue to sell when I was approached by a wild beast, similar to a dog. At first I thought it was my husband, who likes to play jokes and is less than three feet tall. But then the animal lunged at me,” Mrs. Alborino sobbed.

She added that her husband, who suffers from dementia, is often asked to entertain handicapped children in the myriad disguises he’s amassed through the years as a private detective for Balto Casualty, adding: “He’s quite the character.”

No physicians could be located to make an official statement, but a passerby who claimed she “always wanted to be a nurse” said Mrs. Alborino had been clearly bitten by “an animal or something” on her legs and arms.

Flubug Police, who responded immediately after a drunken Christmas party at Chief Ramsey’s estate, confirmed the incident and said an organized force of thirty-two police officers, a SWAT team, six tanks, a mortar detail and a mobile marguerita mixer managed to “neutralize” the fox.

Chief Ramsey was noticeably upset when he gave the all clear three hours after the melee began. “This wild beast went out of its way to maim a Flubug resident and her child while they were legally foraging for poison grass. This police department will not tolerate this sort of behavior by the region’s wildlife and we hope our response sends the appropriate message to his friends or any other wildlife mulling simlar attacks.”

The fox has since been moved to the Wildlife Department at Beseech Academy where it will remain until its potential for eliciting grant money can be ascertained.

Advertisements

Dung Stomping Festival Begins Jan 1 in Lusher

Get ready to stomp!  It’s time again for the Lusher Dung Stomping Festival, a time-honored tradition in a town with the highest per capita drunkeness of any berg on earth.

And this year’s festivities promise to be some of the best, or at least the most olid in Lusher history, owing to a dung season more putrid than any since 1934.

According to Dice Murphy, considered by (several friends) to be a reincarnation of Lusher’s patron saint, Father Tokay (below), “this year’s dung crop is off the charts”  and should make for some “serious stomping.”

Local barkeep Kervin Feckler (above) seen preparing the dung with a modified skateboard, agrees:

“I know these bogs likes th’ back o’ me hand and kin I tell ye, lads, they’s ready fer stompin’.”

The festival is as old as Lusher itself with roots that trace back to the early Plaster Age when revelers, possessed by wine, music and regional mushrooms (muscati phantasmia), offered dung to their local deity, Musca’teel, in frenetic rites that culminated in ecstatic posession and superhuman feats.

According to archeologists at the Shilltown Museum of Natural Oddities, Musca’teel, was the god of grapes, wine and public drunkeness, and had to be placated to ensure the following years’ harvest and protect against liver disease. Plaster Age Lusherites were unique in that they only mummified the livers of the deceased, discarding the rest of the body, in the hopes the liver would continue to the next world and once again be able to enbibe with impunity.

The Dung Stomping Festival was therefore a ritual to “enter the dung,” or as described by Mathers G. Hoedenwag, “im-press the dung into the earth, to make the dung palatable for Musca’teel and, hopefully, imbue the grapes with the highest possible concentration of alcohol.”

Orthodox Lusherites perform the ritual today in much the same way their ancestors did more than 5,000 years ago: thoroughly wasted, smashing the dung (and themselves) in a crazed two-day ordeal that draws visitors from far and wide.

Though visitors (and less orthodox residents) are discouraged from participating directly in the ritual, they are allowed to imbibe in the copious amounts of muscatel passed among the attendees (provided they’ve signed a pledge against suing the city).

So hitch up your Wellies and get to stompin’! There’s never has the been a better opportunity to be knee deep in shit.

Extremely Doubting Thomas to Go on Display at The Big O

A lost painting by renowned Renaissance artist Michaelangelo Mersi da Caravaggio are among the many treasures to go on display at the Overmeyer Historical Society this weekend on temporary loan from some museum in Europe.

The painting, called Extremely Doubting Thomas, disappeared shortly after Caravaggio”s death in 1610, and became a hotly debated mystery for centuries until its reappearance at a Turkish pazar in 1983.

Extremely Doubting Thomas (not to be confused with the Apostle) became a thorn in the Church’s side when he refused to recant his public dubiety after being singed at the stake twenty times. His insouciance landed him in a monastery closet where he died with a lifelike replica of Jesus four years later, still doubting just about everything. The Church has refused his beatification fifteen times.

Another Renaissance work to go on display is Donnacelli’s Profugo. Thought for centuries to exemplify man’s sadness at his lamb’s indifference, it’s now thought to be the first painting in human history to depict homelessness.

Flubuggers will be struck by the almost Tanwater-esque tranquility of the landscape (and the common problem of homelessness in the park) as well as the pteradactyls overhead, a clear indication that the painting depicted life in the time of Jesus.

 

Perhaps the most light-hearted painting, by Petro The Lesser, is a diptych depicting figs in a man’s butt and a man lampooning his dilemma. The scroll to the left reads: “Yea, though thou mights be assailed by figs, yet may you be lampooneth for such.” The scroll to the right reads: “Yea, though I doth lampoonth thee to no end, yet art thou worthy of such lampoon for thou hast figs betwixt thy butt.”    Parental guidance is clearly advised.

It’s all happening at the Overmeyer Historical Society this weekend!

 

Flubuggers We Lost in 2017

Each year The Bugle pays homage to Flubuggers we lost the previous year. This year we lost a lot of people, including a host of Flubug celebrities.

Crotch Johnson

Crotch Johnson, the only son of Flubug’s Founding Father, Z Socrates “Scotch” Johnson, the celebrated race car driver who ran out of gas and decided to stay in Flubug, passed away peacefully in his kitchen on Wednesday after mistaking a can of crankcase oil for his favorite liqueur.

Known for his cheery whistles, Crotch started his career as proprietor of a clock repair business which soon went bankrupt. Unable to fund his dream of owning a filling station, he went to work for Carson’s Car Service, where he became a fixture until his retirement in 1999.

In 2012, Crotch did his father proud when he won the Tour de Flubug. He received several t-shirts for his achievement (due to budget cuts) and followed with a memoir that topped the Best Seller List for five weeks when it was bumped by Nick Carz’ The History of Lotto. Crotch was the only man in Flubug to ever receive a lifetime pass to the zoo.

Johnson was most recently honored with a nomination to head Ramsey’s Department of Transportation, but his name was withdrawn when he was discovered wandering the flames of Tire Fire City in search of his father’s oil drum.

Crotch leaves behind a 1974 Charlatan (one of two in existence), the rights to his father’s oil can (left), the t-shirts he received in lieu of a Key to the City, a half drunk can of crankcase oil and $8,543.00 in back taxes. A service will be held at Jahweh’s Church of Interstellar Disciples on Christmas Eve. His father’s oil drum will be on display for donations which the church has asked mourners to consider in lieu of flowers.

The Wolf

Another tragic passing was that of The Wolf who fell 8,000 feet to his death while crop dusting for boll weivels. His body, impaled on the Nafta Inn sign, went unnoticed for weeks until reluctant staff members investigated the unlit bulbs. A concert level pianist, and consummate entertainer, few knew of Wolf’s obsession that boll weivals had infested his piano and kept it constantly out of tune. Aviation investigators Bob and Kartoum Makowski of Beseech Academy concluded the insecticide from the plane was so thick the day of the accident, the craft tipped sideways causing Wolf to fall from his perch on the wing where he was last heard swearing at insects. A compilation of Wolf’s greatest hits was re-released by Rubber Room Records two hours after the body was found.

Coombs

Another fixture lost in 2017 was Coombs, the visionary Bohunks barkeep whose marketing genius – Open Mike Nite with Gwen, obese arm wrestling and shuttles to Horseman’s Park in the dilapidated Main Street Circular – led to the bar’s closure in February. Coombs, who locked himself in the walk-in freezer in an act of defiance, was found frozen to death on November 21 surrounded by twenty six empty bottles of Faust. A note to the new owner, scrawled in the frost on the freezer door, read simply “Fuck Faydz.” Services were held in Leesha’s backyard where Coombs was interred (to avoid the shenanigans at the Flubug Cemetery.)

Esmerelda Watkins

Then there was Esmerelda Watkins who briefly headed Down County’s Health and Human Services Department before an unfortunate breathalizer malfunction led to her departure.

Watkins is probably best remembered for taking the ugliest dog on earth (from wherever the hell she found it) to Best In Show in 2012. Her secret, revealed in a tearful speech hyphenated by bong hits, was a regimen of fold scraps, infrequent walks and complete lack of parasite control. She spent her entire life searching for a cure for the impecunity that accompanied her self-administered lung treatments. She was 47.

Glock Monroe

Glock died of multiple gunshot wounds to the head when he was mistaken for a ram by a hunter in Tanwater Park. The hunter, Joachim Destry, was later clear after it was determined he registered properly under Sheriff Ramsey’s controversial Catch and Release Program. Glock, whose real name we’ve withheld out of respect for the family, lived at 224 E Illiad Ave. Apt #4 Services (101) 988-2100 was 39. Services were held at Bryce’s House of Style whose owners are still mourning from the lost revenue.

Mick Moxie

Mick Moxie, who mortgaged his home, sold his boat and dealt pharmaceuticals to elementary school kids to bring his braised sparrow, jackrabbit soup and pan-fried robin to a grateful county, died this November in a choking fit brought on by what his heirs insist was an oversized chicken bone purposely served at his nemesis’ eatery, Dem Bones Family Restaurant. Mick, who turned 120 last July, founded Moxie’s Cup N Saucer on a simple mantra: “Serve the people whatever you want and they’ll pay for it.” At the service, briefly disrupted when Carlton Dickwadd, Jr. drove by yelling, “Any time, mo****f*****s, anytime!” his sons Nick and Mack vowed to continue the cafe and avenge their father’s death.

Pewter Tosh

Pewter Tosh, leader of the elitist reggae ensemble that rebranded Bob Marley songs for the 1%, died at his Kingman’s Slope home this summer when his dreadlocks became entangled in a trash compacter. Known for divisive lyrics like “Privatize It!” “Get Up, Stand Up… Stand Up For Your Yacht” and “No Taxes, No Cry,” Tosh was no stranger to controversy.

In 2008 his ensemble of local toughs received the Key to the City for hurling car batteries at voters opposed to Sheriff Ramsey. Tosh became the center of controversy again in 2012 when his septet, assailed at The Ditch, castigated the crowd as “spoiled, drug-addled losers,” which later became the club’s best selling t-shirt.

Don’t miss our tribute to fallen pets in the All New Bugle due out 2018!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Buck Chuck Accused of Inappropriate Sighing

Charles “Two Buck Chuck” Sumner, the Poison Wells’ Selectman whose great-grandfather, Sen. Dumont Sumner, was famously caned on the Down County Senate floor by unemployed partisans, has been accused of inappropriate sighing by a former staff member.

The staff member, Agatha Jiggz of Poison Wells, revealed her experiences at a tearful book signing at Red Flag Books where her first novel, “Crying Matters,” went on sale this afternoon.

“It’s all in the book,” she said between tears. “The sighing, the inappropriate coughing, the uninvited sneezes. I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. If I can help just one woman, I’ll have done my job.”

According to Jiggz, Sumner regularly called her into his office and began sighing without warning. “He’d call me into his office and I’d say to myself: ‘Okay. This is like a working meeting, right?’ Then he’d start sighing right after he read my reports. It’s was terrifying!”

Jiggz also claims Sumner engaged in inappropriate sneezing. “He’d wait till we were all alone then start these wild sneezing fits. He usually blamed it on my perfume, but I knew better. He was just so used to sneezing in front of other women, he thought he could get away with it with me.”

For his part, “Two Buck Chuck” vehemently denies the allegations, calling them “a calculated ploy to boost book sales.” He also decries the present political environment as “an age of innapropriate hysteria.”

“I sighed at her reports because she didn’t know how to write, type, add, spell or even get the date right!” Chuck added. “And her perfume was enough to gag an anteater! What’s this world coming to when you can’t even sigh in front of your employees?”

But not everyone is as dismissive. Sumner’s likely challenger in next year’s primary, Gaddabout Jiggz, says the allegations should be taken seriously and has called for Sumner’s immediate resignation.

“I don’t see where he has a choice,” said Jiggz, who wore a protective sneeze guard outside the Red Flag Book store. “He’s already admitted to sneezing and sighing while alone with my daughter. Who knows how many other women he’s sneezed on?”

Agatha Jiggz will be signing her new book, “Crying Matters”, at Red Flag Books* in downtown Balto through Friday.

* Red Flag Books may have paid a small, insignificant fee for insertion of this article. Okay, they wrote most ofit, too (fuck you).

2016 Flubug: The Year in Review

2016 was a roller coaster for Flubug.

It began with a fracas in Bradshaw’s Tavern parking lot, a fire in Founder’s Park and a fruitless hunt for Hellion’s lead singer, Firebug.

Then we lost The Ditch after decades of unrestrained music, behavior and drug use (CD available here).

The New Uzbek Minstrels played Carpenters covers at the Uzbek Social Club.

Roman Candy relocated to The Knave.

And, in a nod to the increasing influence of Uzbeks, The Sound of Uzbek opened at the Overmeyer Cultural Center.

Collectors were ecstatic as rare stamps, coins, and notes went on sale – like the error-free $100 Flubux note put out by optimistic merchants – and bygone stamps were re-issued by Postal Inspector, Jerry Zambiski.

Crowds packed Eunice’s Civil War Museum to marvel at wax reenactments like The Incident at Eunice Creek, Grant’s Fume, Buford’s Reproach and Stonewall Jackson’s momentary possession by Rasputin (before demanding refunds).

Rilesvillians revealed themselves to be the hate-mongering, sub-human ghouls we always knew them to be, with a failed train bombing and films that elevated hate to an art form.

A completely new new dinosaur species was discovered by archeologists with the Shilltown Museum of Natural Oddities. The Shillasaurus is now on permanent display at the museum with the world’s only known miniature tusk-free mammoth (which looks curiously like an elephant).

We elected a new emperor in 2016 who, by all accounts, is committed to turning Flubug into an independent nation through a FluExit referendum to be held next year by his children (who are scheduled to be on safari through March).

Yet more than anything else, 2016 was The Year of West of Pencil Place (WOPP). A flurry of store openings including Vapid, Whole Hog, The Smelt, Paddy Water, Ponzi Hut, and a failed attempt by Hope Faydz to revive Pencil Place, sent a green light to hungry developers and a Severe Tire Damage sign to affordable housing buffs hoping to reverse escalating rents.

So, what’s in store for 2017?

No one can know. But whatever it is, you can bet your last Barking Nickel you’ll read about it in The Bugle.

The only independent newspaper left in Flubug!

First Lady’s Panties “Create Jobs” Says Ramsey

After months of accusations, Emperor-elect Ramsey has admitted that autographed panties sold by his wife, incoming First Lady, Cindy “Baby Doll” Ramsey, as part her line of high-end women’s underwear (BabyDollz) were manufactured by inmates in solitary confinement at Brackwater State Correctional Institution and that the inmates “may or may not” have received compensation.

But Ramsey was defiant about his wife’s activities, claiming they were entirely above-board and wholly consistent with his promise to keep jobs in Flubug.

“Who would you rather see get the work? Flubuggers going through a temporary rough patch? Or a bunch of slopes in Sumatra?”

Reporters, caged in Moxie’s basement, grilled Ramsey intensely after the announcement with a torrent of critical tweets.

 

 

 

 

An anonymous activist from the quasi-terrorist American Civil Rights Union (ACRU), voiced “disappointment” with Ramsey’s explanation last night during a collect call we traced to the Balto Bus Station. The activist, we later learned was Gilbert Schtickson, said, “If I wasn’t on my way to Nepal I’d really be worried about this guy” just moments before he was apprehended.

 

Ramsey Saves Stump Painting Job

More than a month before his coronation, Emperor-elect Ramsey is already making good on his promise to “save whatever jobs I can” in Flubug.

Whiz Bang’s stump painting gig, which helped him augment the financial burden of free health care, free food stamps and a rent subsidy program approved by Satan-worshiping socialists in Balto during last year’s 340-day legislative recess, “will not be outsourced,” proclaimed Ramsey.

“There’s plenty of trees in Tanwater Park. And I’ll be damned if I’ll watch one more job lost so eco-terrorists can go camping.”

The news, coming on the heels of an announcement by Pay & Pay that they’re laying off their entire workforce and shipping their operation to Barstool (east of Shilltown), was greeted with wild enthusiasm by Ramsey’s supporters who celebrated by setting fire to the bar stools at Louis the 14th.

Fearing a populist uprising, proprietors at Bohunks, Wild Bill’s, even the Drunken Dagger, have replaced their bar stools with step ladders.

 

 

“Emperor” Ramsey’s Cabinet Evokes Dr. Caligari

“Big Dog” Ramsey, who won an unprecedented tenth term in office in an election marred by accusations of voter intimidation by Rilesvillians and meddling by the Villaneuva Brothers (who all but crushed his opponent Laraboo Washington when they leaked an unpaid gas bill just days before the election), announced he is changing his title from Sheriff to Emperor of Flubug just one month before taking office.

His supporters, many of whom gathered for impromptu lynchings, were ecstatic at the news. “Works for me!” said one supporter, briefly removing a white hood. “King. Emperor. Whatever. It’s time to clean this town up!”

Ramsey’s pronouncement follows a slew of controversial cabinet picks:

• B.B. The Bozo (Secretary of State)
• Elmer Bradshaw (Defense Secretary)
• “Little Putsch” Flanders (Chief of Staff)
• Thornton Vance (Dept of Flubug Security)
• Gus Waller (Attorney General)
• Carlton Dickwadd Jr. (Office of Probation and Pre-Trial Services)
• Exalted Magistrate Luke “Billy Boy” Willadean (Sentencing Commission)
• Pip Knickers (Child Protective Services)

• Buck  Knickers (Department of Racial Purity)
• Carlton Dickwadd (Health and Human Services)
• Filbert “Doc” Robbie (Surgeon General)
• Walton Dickwadd (Treasury Department)
• Crotch Johnson (Department of Transportation)
• “Two Buck” Chuck (Office of Mgmt & Budget)
• Hortense Waller (Department of the Interior)
• Bunky Fowler (Department of Agriculture)
• Floyd Carpenter (Housing Urban Development)
• Blake Mosely (Director, FBI)
• Euton “Dude” Holmes (Director, CIA)

Nick Carz’ name is also being floated for the newly-created position of Casino Affairs Director, a position that would oversee all lotto and gambling operations in the newly-formed country of Flubug.

The lineup, which still has to be approved by Ramsey’s children, spawned the hashtag #DrCaligarisCabinet for an hour today before the creators were arrested and renditioned to the Ukraine where they’re reportedly undergoing water therapy.

Asked to comment on the cabinet picks, Ramsey’s campaign director, Fannie “Corndog” Cornwallis, just smiled.

“He’s amazing, isn’t he? Who else could put such a talented team together in just ten minutes?”

 

Tomorrow Always Sucks Opens Tomorrow

The long-awaited sequel to the Bond franchise, Tomorrow Always Sucks, opens (tomorrow) at theaters across Down County and fans, many of whom have camped out for months (which has nothing to do with the film) couldn’t be happier.

Blake Mosley, Flubug’s erstwhile FBI-Agent-at-Large, is in top form as Agent 007, charged with preventing an unhinged Ukrainian crime boss (Paul Manafort) from rigging a presidential election and wreaking havoc on everything from the World’s Largest Graphite Pencil to the Flubug Caverns.

Wren and Sonata are brilliant as Manafort’s misguided seductresses. Wren, as “Sayonara,” captivates Bond while secretly blaming him for the loss of her Miss Universe crown. Sonata, as “Pusskovatchka,” takes him on a perilous spelunking day trip that accidentally(?) reveals a labyrinth of wired explosives and enough dynamite to put Manafort in the Oval Office and make Tire Fire City look like a Yee sparkler.

As always, Mosley and Manafort are electrifying on screen. Manafort’s dastardly deeds include rigging a manatee with a remote control detonator, sending KGB-trained turtles into Democratic districts with fake proxy ballots, dropping photos of Chris Christie naked from Port Authority drones over the George Washington Bridge and synchronizing a series of explosions so massive, so incredibly dastardly, no one but Bond could possibly stop him.

Posters of Paul Manafort posing in his signature wet suit with the exact spear gun he reportedly used to take out Ukrainian protestors have been selling faster than Raven’s meth at a Hellion’s concert. And Manafort’s skills as a political operative have proven to be just as effective on this side of the Atlantic.

“I gotta admit,” he told one reporter. “It’s kinda nice getting a paycheck in English.”

Rumors of a nomination for Best Supporting Actress have also been circulating in the wake of Ellen Barkin’s stellar performance as Miss Moneypenny. Barkin, who turned the mildly flirtatious role on its heels by performing fellatio on Bond for ten steamy minutes, is said to have guaranteed a role in the next three sequels.

You won’t want to miss this one!

 

No Brain Eating Amoebas, Says Fowler

And now a Community Service Message from Down County Water Commissioner Bunky Fowler on the brain-eating amoebas reported in Flubug’s waterways.

(the following statement is presented verbatim and was read by Commissioner Fowler over the phone from Watersbad Canyon where he’s currently rafting)

“First, I wanna a-ssure everyone that as fer as the CDC, Down County Water Commission and me personally are concerned, they ain’t no brain-eatin’ nothin’ in our waterways. And that ain’t just me talkin. That’s the CDC, Ol’ Spillchuck here and dozens o’ campers on the Miasma which is supposed to be Ground Zero fer the li’l buggers.”

“Folks, these here o-moeba things needs brains to sur-vive. And that might just be our savin’ grace. Like them space shows where the aliens cain’t cope in our envire-mint? These here brain-eatin’ moebas cain’t make it in Flubug without brains.”

“And that’s good news. Cuz I’m happy to report I ain’t seen one ioter o’ brains since I got to this hellhole, and I ain’t just bein’ nice to the folks in Watersbad Canyon. They’s just as brain dead in Poison Wells, Quagmire, Shilltown and everywhere else in this county! Hell, I almost feel sorry for the li’l brain-eatin’ bastards.These here o-moebas is gonna starve their asses off round here. An’ that’s just fine with us.”

The connection momentarily broke with the sound of a hand slapping flesh.

“But just sose ya know what the symptoms are if ya get bitten by one o’ these glorified fireflies. They starts with a sort of inco- incoherent babb – babbling where the person starts, s-s-s-st-tarts to st-st-stutt-er an’ goes off on tangents like the time my brother-in-law poached a damn salmon in his wife’s washin’ machine an’ tucked the dill ‘n’ lemon in the pocket of his truck drivin’ school jacket an’ got charged $80 cuz it stunk like a dead clam for a month and….uh….uh….he….”

The Bugle has momentarily lost touch with the Commissioner. We apologize for the inconvenience. We will attempt to reconnect as quickly as possible and will let you know when we’ve done so.

In the meantime, if you’re thinking of getting married (and you’re not gay), consider Poison Wells, the Honeymoon Capitol of Down County. In Poison Wells no one will know if you’ve been bitten by brain-eating amoebas.

What happens in Poison Wells, stays in Poison Wells!

 

Beseech Opens New Campus at NIX

Beseech Academy, the staunchly conservative university founded in 1918 by Quaker dough boys and a generous gift from the Overmeyers, opened a new campus this week at the site of the long-shuttered Nix AFB.

BENIX, as the campus is called, will offer four-year degrees in a variety of disciplines not available at their Hormel location:

• Assassination Techniques
• Lone Wolf Management
• Tactical Weaponry
• The Crusades
• Airborne Pathogens
• Political Destabilization
• Coup Design & Development
• Suicide Recruitment
• Terror Scene Staging
• Gay Aversion Waterboarding
• Moslem Hand Signals

Two-year degrees will also be offered in:

• Bomb Proofing ID Specialist
• Intermediate Gun Runner
• Sharia Law Coach
• Assistant Globalist
• Perennial Heathcare Plaintiff
• Benghazi Witness

And for those with less interest in a long-term commitment, BENIX will offer a vast array of certification programs:

• 2D Printing
• Ice Cream Delivery Systems
• Forest Eradication
• Prison Escape
• Getting Around Background Checks
• Breaking & Entering
• 1-2-3 Arson
• Helicopter Flight Instruction
• Vaginal Piercing

And, finally, for those just interested in building on current skills:

• Hubcap Flipping
• Making Chloroform
• How to Stretch Your Bribery Dollar
• How to Get SimWork Off Your Resume
• Advanced Smuggling Techiniques

BENIX will serve up to 435 students from around the world including such bastions of political freedom as Uzbekistan, Turkey, Siam, Belgium Congo, South Africa, Bolivia, Argentina and Lagos, Nigeria where Beseech’s sister campus is located.

The campus in Lagos – BENIG – is already a world leader in Islamic provocation, piracy, rhinoceros poaching, anti-AIDS research and micro-loan programs that provide much needed funds to promising machete dealers and horn poachers.

BENIX will also feature the school’s trademark cafe and book shop, “The Holy Owned,” where you can enjoy a snack, quaff a Nigerian ale and engage in rigorous debate with a bigoted, intoxicated undergrad. You might even meet Reverend Stanton DeMoss, Dean of Beseech Academy whose ready crop and smudged monocle make him a well known site on campus.

Get to know BENIX today!

The Overmeyer Historical Society

Zambiski: Stamps To Increase by 200%

Jerry Zambiski

Flubug Postal Service, citing financial difficulties and the increased popularity of carrier pigeons, requested a 200% price hike on all stamps at a meeting with the Down Board of Supervisors on Friday. The closed session was convened to test the waters for a possible grand jury investigation into escalating costs and complaints under Jerry Zambiski’s tenure as Postal Inspector and was designed, according to analysts, to deflect criticism from the Board of Supervisors.

But Zambiski turned the tables on the Board when he announced the release of three previous stamps, a request from collectors that’s fallen on deaf ears for decades. The re-released stamps, set to go on sale this September, derail the theory that new stamps cost too much and that Flubug has nothing noteworthy to feature. According to Zambiski:

“Flubug has a rich history of accomplishment and innovation. We at the FPS realize that and we’ve tapped that spirit of innovation to re-release these popular vintage stamps with some updated delivery options.”

The first issue, which has already generated a great deal of enthusiasm, is the $2.50 Guaranteed Delivery stamp. This stamp, once a mainstay of the Flubug Postal Service, guarantees that your letter or package will be delivered no matter what the weather or road conditions for a flat $2.50 fee.

The second issue which has generated considerably less enthusiasm, mostly with budget-conscious Flubuggers, is the $1.50 Possible Delivery stamp. This stamp, according to Zambriski, harkens back to the early (some might same modern) days of Flubug when mail delivery was never a certainty.

The third re-issue, eagerly anticipated by collectors, is the 75 cent delivery stamp known as the Fat Chance that made its debut during The Great Apathy at the turn of the last century. The Fat Chance, perhaps the most common stamp known to Flubuggers, holds the least likelihood of being delivered. However, packages were delivered in less remote areas during its use (which trickled off with the introduction of the more reliable Slim Chance delivery stamp in 1935).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zambiski says the 200% increase in price over last year’s stamps (themselves re-issued) include the cost of re-issuing the treasured stamps and “ensuring we can make good on our promises.”

The decision to move forward with a grand jury investigation will depend “on large part,” according to an official close to the Board of Supervisors (Jim Butterman), “on the public’s reaction to the price increase and services provided.”

He went on to say Zambiski is “an idiot who should never have been promoted past the rank of mailman” and that [the Board] has no faith that Zambski’s scheme will improve service beyond the level of the infamous “mail toss” used to deliver mail to the Tinwawa after they were thrown into the Miasma.

Fever St Man Arrested Wheeling Dead Wife Into Backyard

Flubug authorities arrested a man Saturday who was allegedly seen wheeling a woman’s dead body in a shopping cart into his backyard.

“Glock” Monroe, 31, was charged with murder, concealing a dead body and transporting a human corpse without a permit.

The Flubug Police Department said an off-duty detective (one of three) saw him wheeling the corpse, covered with an Entitlement Week banner, into his backyard near Fever and 2-J (J.J. Dynomite Freeway). When the detective tried to question Monroe, he fled.

After a brief chase, during which a shrub became lodged in the suspect’s head, Detective Jack “Jackrabbit” Abbott arrested Monroe without incident. An investigation is pending.

The medical examiner will determine the cause of death for “Glock’s” wife, 28-year-old Agrubba Buggs, who was conveniently wheeled into the autopsy room still slumped in the cart. Monroe was taken to Down County Holding for processing.

Monroe has been arrested more than 60 times for drugs and violent crimes. He was released last week under new sentencing guidelines penned by the EZ Read Bill Writing Council. Those guidelines, billed as a way to ease prison crowding, reclassified drug offenses as misdemeanors, violent assaults as a gross misdemeanors and murders as felonies.

The result has been an exodus from Brackwater Prison, now down to six death row inmates, a veritable crime wave (with crime up 500% since last year) and an increased reliance on probation to mitigate crime.

Monroe will be arraigned on Monday if he shows up. Bail was set at $200.

Amateur Astronomer Discovers Black Hole Over Nailyard

Pax McCauley, grandson to the only goat horn-playing antique dealer in town, has astonished his friends and the astronomical community at large with the discovery of a massive black hole above Nailyard.

The results, published in the Nailyard’s TV Guide, breathe new life into the discredited theory that prehistoric beasts roam the region by offering wormholes as a possible explanation. Wormholes might also explain how the Titanic wound up in Tanwater Lake and why Dooley keeps coming back, year after year.

The scholarly paper, tucked between the crossword puzzle and the burial assistance insert, claims the black hole is so massive it filled McCauley’s entire lens. He estimates it at roughly “two hundred solar masses” and claims it’s “almost conspiratorial” that no one ever mentioned it before.

“I’ve been watching the skies since I was a kid and this is like nothing I’ve ever seen,” said McCauley, squinting at the cameras. “It’s as if all the light in the night sky was suddenly eaten up!”

McCauley, who only a year ago, said….

Okay, okay. Enough is enough.

---

CORRECTION: Since republishing this story on Tuesday we’ve since discovered that McCauley not only has cataracts; he neglected to take off his lens cover. We’ve also discovered he has a rare light phobia that compels him to tape the windows in his grandfather’s basement with Hefty bags and is addicted to caffeinated lozenges. Gramps begged us not to print this correction and even offered free goat horn lessons for a year (an $8 value). But you know what? To hell with him. Pax is an idiot and everyone knows it. And shame on the Nailyard TV Guide for publishing his ramblings. Of course, in Nailyard, this kind of story probably counts as pretty good copy. Thank God we hold ourselves to a higher standard.

 

 

 

Rare Stamps and Coins Tell The County’s History

Down County’s rarest stamps and coins will be on exhibit through June 31st at The Overmeyer Historical Society on Slopeside. The exhibit, called Down County’s Most Ludicrous Stamps & Coins, will showcase the entire Overmeyer collection, and is sure to draw visitors from far and wide.

Some stamps, like the 1911 Vermouth 2 1/2 deca cent “Glaring Czar” which featured The Stunted Grape Czar, Umlatz Karshlev, daring lickers to affix postage, will appear for the first time in public.

Deca cent stamps are especially collectible due to rarity of the denomination. Deca cents were minted between 1898 and 1912, and only in Vermouth. They were designed to increase circulation of the czar’s worthless currency by forcing people to carry ten times as many coins. But the ploy failed when Great Grape Famine drove ink prices higher than the price of lead.

Another stamp not seen since its inception is the Daring Darius, a sixty-five cent air mail stamp that features Darius Overmeyer in his Infernal Machine on its doomed flight across the Miasma. The stamp, minted in 1924, was rarely used due to its prohibitive cost and the fact that no one believed escape from Flubug was possible. The fact that he never returned has only confirmed those suspicions.

Overmeyer’s Infernal Machine is featured again on another stamp – the dreaded Postage Due issue of 1926 which gave postmen the leverage to assign arbitrary costs to insufficient postage, driving some families into bankrupcy.

The policy, embodied in this unfortunate issue, only fueled the rage against Overmeyer whose ludicrous flight became emblematic of Flubug’s collective inadequacy. The stamp was abandoned in 1926 and was never reissued. It was the last stamp to feature Darius Overmeyer.

But not all stamps were government issue. Beer stamps became an easy way for workers to transfer paychecks to company-run taverns – and an easy way for companies to cut wages even further by adding service and transfer fees.

Erskine Dobbins, father of the bridge to nowhere (Barking) was quick to seize on this trend with a variety of “Dobbins Currency Notes.” This note, at 16 and 2/3 cents, was impossible to cash at face value since a cent was the smallest denomination in circulation. Dobbins thus charged a $15 “conversion fee” to cash his own bank notes, leaving his workers with less than a penny for beer (which he then sold on credit).

A 1935 Tanwater State Park Hunting Stamp will also be on exhibit. The mint condition stamp, which allowed hunters to shoot any number of migratory birds within a six month period, was discontinued after the birds changed their migratory routes and began soiling hunters’ vehicles. Subsequent efforts to revive the hunting laws were unsuccessful.

Of the coins on display, none is so dramatic as the Rilesville Nickel, which touted the area’s legacy of archeological finds from 1923 to 1936. In 1937 the reverse design was changed from an (alleged) Alostegosaur to “Lucy,” the world’s oldest human skeleton at 600 million years old. The design was changed again in 1938 when those claims were debunked and replaced by a mummy with two heads. The Rilesville Nickel is considered the finest example of this particular mintage.

Other coins on display include the Barking Nickel which was wildly popular in its day. The Barking nickel would never be included in an exhibit of rare coins were it not for The Barking Fire of ’43 which consumed the Bank of Barking, next to the bearded lady, Barking Loan & Investment, next to Ralph the Elephant Boy, Barking Real Estate, next to Bart’s World of Mirth, and the First National Bank of Barking which faced Margot the Maggot Girl. Every known Barking nickel melted in that fire, thanks to pickpockets who retrieved the coins for their circus paymasters. On display will be one of only two known coins featuring Rumbus The Original Whistling Elephant (also lost in the fire).

And what exhibit would be complete without a nod to the days of the graphite industry? This “Wage Coin,” issued from 1930 to 1937 by the Flubug Mining Co., was given a purposely vague value to generate speculation during the Depression. A mere rumor of increased wages could increase a man’s pay by increasing demand for the coins. This made the Wage Coin very popular especially to the company who paid far less in tin than they would have for real currency. Unfortunately, most Wage Coins were lost in cave-ins, explosions and other mining disasters. By 1938 the coins were shunned by workers in favor of hard currency.

Perhaps the most spectacular coin in the exhibit is the Jenny Penny, the only one known in existence.

Minted during the first two years of the Civil War, the “Jenny Penny” paid homage to Jenny, the Confederacy’s finest warship that sunk four Union sailboats, a catamaran and three inner tubes before being sunk in the Battle of Kirk’s Creek by a floating log. Jenny Overmeyer was named after this historic vessel. Both have been lost to time.

Almost as rare is the Quag Cent, a coin which kept numismatists arguing for decades over its existence. It wasn’t until an odd-looking peasant tried to use the coin for bus fare in 1977 that its existence was confirmed. This Quag Cent is particularly interesting as it portrays Erick The Idiot, a bearded tyrant who accidentally united Quagmire while selling rats door to door in the 14th century.

Early Mulligan is also represented with a Drunken Fool two cent piece and a Five Bones nickel, both minted before the Depression. After the Depression, tokay, cigarettes, dry matches and Mulligan Stew replaced coins.

If you love stamps and coins, want to learn more about Down County’s history, or just want to get out of the house for a day, visit the Down County’s Ludicrous Coins & Stamps Show at the Overmeyer Historical Society. The Glaring Czar alone is worth the price of admission (which by the way is $10). And don’t forget to check out the Gift Shop on the First Floor.

Tell ’em The Bugle sent you and we won’t have to bust our ass selling them ad space next year.

 

 

 

 

 

Rilesville Phrase Book

Travel to Rilesville can be unlike travel to any other part of Down County (except Quagmire).

Local customs are as foreign as travel to another country and most of us try to avoid the place altogether.

But there are some basic concepts which can make your trip more tolerable.

Those concepts, as well as phrases most useful in Rilesville, are expertly covered in the newest phrase book from the Ostrich Original Language Book series.

Phrases like:

• Whose owl is this?
• But I gave you a twenty.
• They’ll never pay that much to get me back.
• Where’s my luggage?
• They were wearing ski masks.
• The other leg, you idiot!
• Isn’t my hotel the other direction?
• He was carrying an axe.
• I’ve been shot.
• Those aren’t my clothes.
• How much to have my meal actually cooked?

And…

• There are chickens in my berth.
• My blindfold’s too tight.
• Can you repeat your demands?
• Help!

 

It’s also important to note that the concept of hate is central to Rilesvillian culture and language. For example, it’s customary in Rilesville to start every sentence with “I hate…” So the literal translation of the phrases above would be:

• I hate that I don’t know whose owl this is
• I hate that I’m pretty sure I gave you a twenty
• I hate them because they’ll never pay that much to get me back
• I hate that I can’t find my luggage.
• I hate that I can only remember they were wearing ski masks
• I hate that you chose to operate on the wrong leg
• I hate the fact you’re taking me away from my hotel
• I hate the axe he was carrying
• I hate that I’ve been shot
• I hate my clothes which are gone
• I hate to ask how much it would be to cook my meal
• I hate these chickens in my berth
• I hate this too tight blindfold
• I hate that I didn’t get your demands the first time
• I hate that I need help.

It’s never easy to travel. And it’s especially daunting in Rilesville. But if you have to travel to Rilesville, don’t leave home without the latest phrase book in the Ostrich Original Language Series.

It might just save your life!

Film Festival Opens to Protests in Rilesville

The controversial films of director Simone Taglia were greeted by protests this weekend as the third annual Hate In The Media Festival got underway in Rilesville.

The protesters, bused in from Vermouth and Shilltown, blocked the entrance to the Rilesville Rialto for about an hour before being beaten back with cattle prods and maces. In all, sixteen protesters were taken to an undisclosed location outside Rilesville. Another twenty-six were cited for engaging in anti-hate speech and interfering with the life, liberty and pursuit of hate of the average Rilesvillian.

At issue are the violent themes of this year’s films, particularly those of Director Simone Taglia whose most recent cinematic attempt, Bat Shit Crazy Shill, combines random violence and tribal rivalries with an unpaid cast and a half page script to create a travesty unparalleled since his last film, Gangs of Rilesville in 2015.

Gangs of Rilesville follows the lives of two hooligans who reach celebrity status in Rilesville and combine their talents to foist an unflappable taste for evil on high school baseball. Loosely based on the origins of the Rilesville Haters, whose underhanded tactics led them to be barred from all Down County high school games, the film falls apart in the first thirty seconds when Gourash reveals the entire plot in an unscripted aside to the audience.

When the film was released it was widely panned for its use of excessive violence, mostly from exploding baseballs used to blow up rival teams in Down County. But it was a box office smash in Rilesville where it fed a local sense of persecution and prompted Taglia to up the ante.

But not all controversial media at this weekend’s festival are films.

The locally popular Everyone Hates Farook on Rilesville’s cable channel, KRIL, is equally controversial and prompted a Down County Board of Supervisors’ inquiry into the channel’s inclusion in GEPCO’s Family Entertainment lineup. But GEPCO stood their ground characterizing the channel as “a refreshing change” while castigating Roman Candy for calling it “Whack-A-Mole TV.” They also said KRIL is in its infancy and they “expect great entertainment” in the coming months. The comedy series, starring Giddeon Flack, features weekly attacks on a wanna-be Rilesvillian from Poison Wells named Farook who makes enemies with everyone he meets. It airs Tuesdays at 9pm.

Perhaps less controversial is the classic ’60’s comedy What Could (possibly) Go Wrong? from Rilesville director, Torrio de Angeles. The film, starring Horst Mulebratten in his first (and last) comedic role, follows the escapades of a wacky quintet as they rob, pillage and faire l’amour on the cobblestone streets of 1966 Rilesville.

The third annual Hate In The Media Festival runs through May 8th at the Rilesville Rialto on the corner of Hate and Loathing in downtown Rilesville. Tickets are $15 at the door.

See you there! 

 

 

Concealed Carrie at the HAAC

Radio personality, Concealed Carrie, will host a concealed weapon fashion show at the Hormel Horse And Assembly Center this weekend to benefit Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey’s re-election effort which, if polls are correct, can use all the help it can get.

Carrie, who first met Ramsey during a sting operation at Quik Fux that lasted three years and netted a valet selling combustible lozenges, had nothing but praise for the sheriff during a recent radio show.

“No one knows more about concealment than Big Dog. He taught me everything I know. I’m doing this benefit because I just want to give back.”

According to Madam Moon, proprietor of Quik Fux, Carrie gave more than “back” to the revered sheriff. But that hasn’t dissuaded the hundreds of fans already lining up outside the HAAC to catch a glimpse of Carrie and grab some fashion tips on concealed weapons.

And they won’t be disappointed.

Carrie, whose mid-afternoon radio show is nearing the ratings record set by Roman Candy’s final installment of Inside Flubug Tonite, has models from as far off as Hell or High Water (30 miles east of Shilltown and completely off the Down County map) who’ve agreed to participate in the two-day event.

Many, including Mimi “Ot Six” (right) whose concealment techniques have been criticized by Euton “Dude” Holmes and others as “seriously lacking,” are donating their time just for the exposure.

“It’s a great way to, ya know, introduce myself,” says Mimi who claims she’s concealed “weapons ‘n shit” for most of her adult life (six months). “Sometimes you just gotta get creative.”

Others, like Marlene Franco, who carries her concealed weapon into the gym in the off chance “some idiot forgets to wipe down the stair master,”  are donating time and money.

“Big Dog’s the best sheriff this town’s ever known and it’s up to us all to help him out.”

Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey is currently running ten points behind the Flubug Shaman who’s promised free beer to anyone who votes for him, double the food stamps for anyone who has a child in the next nine months, decriminalization of methamphetamine, the release of all inmates in Brackwater Prison and a path to citizenship for everyone in Quagmire.

Tickets are $25 at the door.

 

 

Horseman’s Park Preps for Specimen Cup

If you still haven’t made your reservations for the Specimen Cup at Horseman’s Park you might already be too late. The Stateline Convention Authority is reporting that lodging as far west as Hormel is booked solid for the weekend of May 6th through May 8th, and rates have jumped a staggering 500% over last week.

Even the seediest motels in South Stateline, infested by hookers, drug addicts and legislators, are charging fees of $175 or more per night during race weekend.

And if you haven’t already made your reservations for Bohunk’s Horseman’s Park Shuttle service you may also be out of luck. The beloved service will make its last run to the track on May 7th in anticipation of the bar’s closure on May 15th. Whether Daisy Faydz – who purchased the bar to open a “self-conscious” grocery – will continue the shuttle is unclear, but sources close to Faydz say she considers the bus “a complete embarrassment.” So I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Even so, park officials aren’t concerned. Ambose Bancroft, who co-owns Horseman’s Park with an undisclosed partner known only as Vinnie, says the park may even start their own shuttle service.

“We’re not gonna wait for some ditz to realize there’s money to be made shuttling suckers bettors to the track. Businesses are already lining up to sponsor the service.”

And speaking of lineups, the entrants in this year’s Specimen Cup are some of the finest in Horseman’s Park memory.

Abcess, the twice-maimed, thrice-crowned thoroughbred who filled Flubuggers with hope during the Depression, will be back (along with the Depression) and jockey Midge Caitlin at the whip. Caitlin will be looking to clinch a record-breaking fourth Triple Crown win this year and is Nick Carz’ odds-on favorite.

Whiplash, the sprightly male who’s won three of his last four contests by diving into the turf and tripping his opponents, is expected to give Abcess a run for his veterinarian money. Trainer, Vig Talabi, who heads Citizens Against Pencil Place, recently altered the two-year old’s training to include handstands and somersaults. At 2/5, Carz must like his chances.

Eunice-bred, Sorry Ass, will be coaxed into third position by jockey Graile Bungman riding for Kip “Francios” Mauvier of Mauvier’s Equestrian Village. Bungman, who describes Sorry Ass as “extremely sensitive about his performance,”  says recent workouts have been encouraging and that next week they’ll trying running him without his blinders. Carz has him at 6/5.

Hope Faydz will make her maiden entry into the Specimen Cup with Hormel-bred Jump Street, slated to start from fourth position. Faydz, who planned to ride Jump Street until a steeplechasing attempt waylaid her back, has asked nemesis, Wren, to steer the disinterested nag to the finish line. Carz gives all three no more than 6/5 odds.

The Flubug Police will also be entering the race for the first time with Choke Hold, a ten-year old nag decommissioned from pulling SWAT wagons with the introduction of humvees. Choke Hold will be ridden by Officer Chip Benson, described by Sheriff Ramsey as “the only guy on the force who can get that damn nag up!” Carz’ odds are 3/2.

Tran Mihn Yee’s entry, Used Appliances, will be ridden by first-time jockey Knowe How Yee who (at 8 lbs) is practically the same weight as the horse. Yee had been criticized in the past for entering undernourished horses who seemed only to advertise his poorly manufactured products. But Yee may have turned a corner with Used Appliances who is fully three pounds heavier than his last entry, Prices Slashed. Even so, Carz has set Yee’s odds at a dismal 8/2.

It’s all happening at Horseman’s Park May 7th at 1pm. Get there early!