Flubug Cemetery – Record crowds turned out to Flubug Cemetery today to pay their last respects to Dean Wartti, Founding Editor of The Flubug Bugle who passed away January 28th. Many (if not all) attendees, including Pastor Feurgason Jenkins who presided over the service, were acutely aware of Dean’s role in their existence. But for those who may have missed that fact, Pastor Jenkins read a list of Dean’s seemingly endless creations while circulating an offering plate (a Flubug tradition whenever more than two people show up for a funeral):
“If you hear your name today, you need to step up and thank the founder of our great city, the man who invented our lives, our stories, our history, our businesses, our churches, our organizations, our very world: Dean Wartti.”
With that, the pastor read a partial list of the residents Dean’s imagination gave life to:
Shaemus Amos, Dustin Ashe, Ethyl Axelroot, Ambrose Bancroft, Erskine Bossman, Bebe The Bozo, Blubberpuss, Elmer Bradshaw, Layden Ben Butler, Coombs, Roman Candy, Carl Carson, Flublind Carter, Nick Carz, Swat Carz, Crazy Janie Carz, Maggie Carz, Amber “Da Bammer” Carz, Melinda B.B. Carz, “Two Buck” Chuck, Walton Dickwadd, Carlton Dickwadd, Jr., Debra, Dex Strongarm, Dooley, Esmerelda Watkins, Hope Faydz, Westy Faydz, Flublue, “Little Putsch” Flanders, Deputy Fish, Bunky Fowler, Fruit, Jan Gallo, Graphite Gus, Tommy “Whaddayalookinat?” Gunther, Harriet Grossman, Atom Grubb, Gwen, Gray Hallsey, Heather Hart, Euton Dude Holmes, Hoot Sorghum, Elmont Pook Jefferson, Feurgason Jenkins, Loo Ann Jenkins, Z Socrates “Scotch” Johnson, Crotch Johnson, Polo Jones, Weekend Jones, Joe The Lifeguard, Joplin, Umlatz Karshlev, Nixon Kennedy, Pip Knickers, Buck Knickers, Fannie “Corndog” Kornwallis, Beverly Koons, Ladybug, Leasha, Low Ride, Mandy Manley, Adolph Manley, Randy Manley, Candy Manley, Dylan Mocha, Madam Moon, Glock Monroe, Blake Mosley, Mick Moxie, Dice Murphy, The Overmeyers, Mayor Bobby Ornery “The Midnight Magistrate,” Pam Ornery, Tab Ornery, Paps, Chad Peacock, Jake Pinewood, Paul Pot, Sheriff “Big Dog” Ramsey, Baby Doll Ramsey, Maria Robatto, Officer Roy, The Flubug Shaman, District Attorney Mayweather Simms, Gen. Albert Sloan, Sonata, Babs Stricklen, Raven, Oliver DeWitt “O.D.” Taylor, Chrystal Thompson, Retch Thompson, J.J. Turnbull, The Villaneuva Brothers, Stan Waller, Bill Waller, Hortense Waller, Lt. Leighton Laraboo Washington, The Wolf, Wren, Tran Minh Yee, Know How Yee, Lee Tran Minh and Know How Sell Yee.
“If you live in or have ever visited any of these towns, parks or landmarks, you need to step up and thank Dean Wartti…
Balto, Barking, Bradshaw’s Pike, Disfigure, Down Slope, Eunice, Flubug, Graphite Cornerz, Kingman’s Slope, Hormel, Lusher, Miasma, Mulligan, Pencil Place, Poison Wells, Pook’s Addition, Nafta Superhighway, Nailyard, Old Road, Shilltown, Stateline, Quagmire, Rilesville, Tanwater State Park, Tire Fire City, Vermouth, Watersbad Canyon or WOPP (West of Pencil Place), Influenza Square, Black Lung Memorial, Scotch Johnson’s Oil Can, Nick Carz’ birthplace,
“If you’ve ever frequented any of the businesses in Flubug or anywhere in Down County, you need to step up and thank Dean Wartti.”
The Vermouth Bat Museum, Lunch at the Dump, Wren, Soup for Sluts, Vapid Smoke Shop, Whole Hog, The Knave, Shakelton’s Restaurant, Oswald’s Buffet, Balto Chemical Supply, Balto Casualty, The Flubug Caverns, World’s Tallest Pencil, The Ditch, Nafta Inn, Siesta Room, Wild Bill’s, Bohunks, Funzy’s, Red Flag Bookstore, The Poor Farm Family Fun Park, Elephant Tusk, Louis The 14th, C’est La Vie Funeral Home, Yee’s Appliance Garden, Pap’s Pharmacy, Pig in a Poke, Gramp’s Antiques, Ladybug’s, Carson’s Car Service, Toss My Salad, Wren, Smelt Pizza, Paddy Water, Ponzi Hut, Barking Circus, Tin Wa Wa Gift Shop, By The Way Motel, Save-A-Bit Markit, Take It N Git, That Place Down The Road, Yee’s Fireworks, Chaste Bank, Club Elite, Illiad Wellness Center, Illiad Liquors, Air Conditioned City (The AC), Pook’s Voodoo Shop, Fever Soul Food, Elite Hair and Nails, My Little Pony Daycare, The Drunken Dagger, Shilltown All-U-Can-Eat Scrapple, Horseman’s Park, Horseman’s Inn, Tres Frais, Mullah’s Burkah Hut, Stateline Fireworks, Stateline Saloon, Hormel Horse & Assembly Center, Blackwater’s, Graphite Tenting, Laff Riot, Uzbek Social Club, Quix Fux, Siesta Lounge, Mall Wart, Kinda Dog, Flubug Squat, KRAK Radio, Eunice Civil War Museum, Eunice Beer Garden, Bob Willis’ Used Car Parts, Hubcap Emporium, Flubug Motel, Al Fresco Villiage, End Times Bookstore, Moxie’s Cup N Saucer, Yee’s Appliance Garden, Dickwadd Private Probation, Check N Pay, Barnswallow Studios, The Ditch, Mocha’s Lounge, Pencil Place, The Main Street Circulator, Dude’s Guns, Crossley Nursing Home, Bradshaw’s Tavern…
“If you’ve ever enjoyed the entertainment in Flubug or anywhere in Down County, you need to step up and thank Dean Wartti…”
Bands like Fuzz Against Junk, Breugel, Henhouse Explosion, The Nodders, Ribbentrop’s Tattoo, Ulcer of Tallyrand, Remnants of Judah, Rig-A-Letto, Vox Spy Ring, Velveetas, A Different Animal, Pewter Tosh and Hellions. Venues like The Ditch, Summerfest, That Place Down The Road, Siesta Lounge, Air Conditioned City, Funzy’s, the Uzbek Social Club and The Effete. Family fun like the Hole of Mystery at the Poor Farm Family Fun Park, getting thrown from the ferris wheel at Summerfest or losing your shirt at Horseman’s Park…
“If you’ve ever been a member of any of these thriving organizations, you need to step up and thank Dean Wartti…”
The Li’l Arson Club, Junior Underachievers, Lavender Condition, Womyn With Problems, The Water Buffalos, Books for the Blind, Hubcappers Anonymous, Meals for Wheels, The Flag Ironing League, Citizens Against Mass Poisoning, Citzens Against Pencil Place…”
“If you’ve ever delighted to stories about the 1974 Charlatan with Dolphin-Assisted Navigation (DAN), the perennial production of Possum N Taters at the Flubug Playhouse, the Tour de Flubug, the shenanigans between Hope Faydz and (damn near everyone else), Nick Carz’ back door deals, Crotch Johnson’s pathetic demise, the mystery of the Tanwater Scrolls, our inglorious history including the tragic end of the graphite pencil, the disappearance of Jenny Overmeyer, J Gromer’s barometer, the disco years, the pyschedelic years, Overmeyer’s Infernal contraption, the rise and fall of Erskine Bossman…our stamps, our coins, our currency, our lives… you need to step up and thank Dean Wartti…”
“If you’ve ever been to a Wolf Christmas extravaganza or a Civil War reenactment, or stomped grapes in Lusher or fracked behind KRAK studios or tagged the walls of Founder’s Park, you need to step up and thank Dean Wartti…”
The fact is, each and every one of us need to step up and thank Dean Wartti because the truth is each and every one of us owe Dean Wartti a debt of gratitude – a debt we of course can never repay. But being Flubug, the concept of being unable to repay a debt is hardly new…
So let’s give thanks. Let’s show our gratitude. And let’s let Dean know how much we’ll miss him. And with that, I’ll turn the ceremonies over to his dear friend, co-founder of Flubug and the CDC Boys, Nikki Bartlett (aka Andrea) who has graciously consented to read the eulogy.
Ms. Bartlett rose from her seat and stepped to the podium. “Thank you, Pastor Feurgason. Thank you all for coming today. I know Dean is with us in spirit as we gather to celebrate his life. He, like yourselves, was always a Flubugger at heart.”
She began the eulogy….
“Dean was brilliant in every sense of the word. His intellectual prowess, which ranged from history to literature to art to geography to theater to politics to music was clear to all who met him. As an impresario, he drew widely divergent musicians, artists and personalities together to create the framework for a music scene that later defined Seattle. As a provocateur, he embodied the spirit of Voltaire with a sardonic wit that lampooned his contemporaries and excoriated the elite. His love of literature, poetry, plays, history and politics was all consuming. He was a world traveler, traveling to such far flung cities as Moscow, Prague, Capetown and Helsinki. He spoke Russian. He played the accordion. He could list the names and historical backgrounds of popes, tsars, empires, battles, weapons and military campaigns as if he’d actually been there. In many ways, Dean was all things at once. And that was the archetypal essence of his life. To Dean, this world was too intriguing to restrict himself to a single area of expertise. Had he done so, he probably would have picked the French Revolution. Because Dean was a revolutionary. His flag was the red flag of the Marxists and trade unionists. He lauded class struggles throughout history and despised capitalism. He held conformity and fortune-seeking in the highest contempt. Indeed, only weeks before his death, he confided to me that he was most proud of the fact that he had received almost no acclaim or remuneration for anything he had done. To me, there can be no higher calling, nor truer definition of socialism, than to give without expecting reward. Yet that was Dean. He never sought recognition, though his body of work was prolific. He never sought to turn a profit on what he could give so freely.
And so, it is incumbent upon all of us today to remember the enormous impact Dean had on our lives. And to celebrate not only the good fortune we had in knowing him, but to honor a spirit that chose to share his intellectual bounty rather than chase a bourgeois mirage. To Dean, my closest friend, may you rest in peace until we meet again.”
With that, the Quadracostal Assembly of Temporary Mercy Singers (who apparently forgot the lyrics) gently hummed “Closer My God To Thee” while handling writhing snakes (as is their custom) as each resident stepped to the pyre to offer their final prayers and goodbyes (knowing that no one ever really dies in Flubug) while tossing quackgrass, lambsquarters and purslane in the solemn manner prescribed by the Book of Jack (which Dean disdained).
At 4pm, the enormous pyre was lit by Nikki Bartlett and Tim Bowman (of the CDC Boys), Firebug (currently on parole) and Gwen (who apparently still holds a grudge for being scripted out of any meaningful role in Flubug). As the flames rose to the sky the town watched in silence until, twenty minutes later, the fire slowly died into sparks that spiraled into the evening clouds. As the crowd filed out of the cemetery no one spoke a word. No one knew quite what to say. It was the first time in the history of Flubug that everyone was assembled at the same place at the same time and not a word was spoken. That, perhaps more than the climatic pyre, was the most profound moment of the memorial.
Rest in peace, Dean from all of us at The Bugle.
A Quick Note From Nick Carz: No one loved Dean more than me and my family. Hell, we wouldn’t be near as rich as we are without him. Not that that makes a difference. But a time like this really makes you think: Wow. You really can’t take it with you. That’s why memories are so damn important. So if you missed today’s services, don’t kick yourself for being a thankless lardass. For a limited time you can still purchase the exact same embossed memorial funeral pamphlet handed out at the funeral – signed by the entire Carz family – for the low, low price of $19.99. That’s less than the price of carrot at Wren! Just text D-E-A-N to 338-091-4733 and we’ll send you one in the mail today.
But hurry. Supplies are limited!